Bard Song: Bar Called the Crystal Club

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#1

Tintagel

Mar 03, 2007 8:24:30
Bar Called the Crystal Club
Sung to the tune of House of the Rising Sun - with apologies to The Animals.

There is a bar in Kartakas
They call the Crystal Club
And it’s been the ruin of many a PC
By Strahd, I know I’m one

My mother was a singer
They called her Sonia
My Father was the mayor of the town
Called Harmonia

Now the only thing a hero needs
Is a maiden and a drink
But the wenches here will eat a man alive
Before he even blinks

–organ solo–

Oh DMs tell your players
Not to do what we have done
Die or catch lycanthropy
At the bar called the Crystal Club

Well I spend some nights a’ howlin
And I kill for pleasure now
I hide the blood on my guilty lips
with a drink called Meekulbrau

There is a bar in Kartakas
They call the Crystal Club
And it’s been the ruin of many a PC
By Strahd, I know I’m one


House of the Rising Sun

There is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one

My mother was a tailor
She sewed my new bluejeans
My father was a gamblin' man
Down in New Orleans

Now the only thing a gambler needs
Is a suitcase and trunk
And the only time he's satisfied
Is when he's on a drunk

------ organ solo ------

Oh mother tell your children
Not to do what I have done
Spend your lives in sin and misery
In the House of the Rising Sun

Well, I got one foot on the platform
The other foot on the train
I'm goin' back to New Orleans
To wear that ball and chain

Well, there is a house in New Orleans
They call the Rising Sun
And it's been the ruin of many a poor boy
And God I know I'm one
#2

humanbing

Mar 05, 2007 7:45:38
(A repost, but I thought it was worth it in the present circumstance. This song came first in the duel of the strings, an annual event held at the Fiddler's Finger pub in Martira Bay, by Ardellia Borlest.)

Borlest:

[taps mic]

Good evening, ladies and gentlement. In Nartok, the bards sing this haunting ballad. It deals with such brutal, dictatorial people as Vlad Drakov, Azalin Rex, Ivan Dilisnya, Viktor Mordenheim, and Tracy Hickman and Margaret Weis.

I present to you...

The Demiplane of Terror
(sung to the tune of Hotel California)

In a massacred village
On a [Trademarked Home World](TM)
It was a night of cool executions,
And the taking of girls.
Then up ahead in the distance
I saw a shimmering mist
My sight grew blurry and my compass flailed,
I had no means to resist.

There we were in a second,
Surrounded by the undead:
Their empty eyes watched our every move
With their pinpoints of red.
Then they leapt on my soldiers,
To rend their flesh to the bone.
As I pondered my "tactical retreat",
I thought I heard them groan.

"Welcome to the Demiplane of Terror!
When you're done fighting, (When you're done fighting)
We think you'll fit right in. (We think you'll fit right in)
A place for you, in the Demiplane of Terror:
Such a nice domain (Such a nice domain)
For your war campaigns..."

His name was Firan Zal'honan,
He's got the secret police.
He's got a lot of campy vampy stiffs
To keep what passes for peace.
And people flock to his kingdom,
The Core's largest yet.
Some will go and grow wealthy,
But most will go - and Forget.

They call him Dilisnya.
He's the one with the wine.
I swear, his vintage will open up your eyes...
For the very last time.
You'll hear those party guests shrieking from miles around,
You'll stick some peasants on your bedroom stakes,
To drown their revels out.
(I said)
"Loving your screams in the Demiplane of Terror!
Live your fantasies (Live your fantasies)
Do just what you please. (Do just what you please)
Tenancy's free in the Demiplane of Terror!
There's no maintenance tax, (There's no maintenance tax)
But watch those Powers checks..."

Lightning rods on the ceiling
Quivering brains on ice.
And he said
"Here's a Nietzschean übermensch:
All virtue - and virtually no vice."
Then as the Doc pulled the lever
His child was released.
And you can strike with injuring intent,
But you can't subdue the Beast.

About this time last November,
We invaded again.
Our armies fell like chestnut shells
In the latest Dead Man's Campaign.
"Relax," the voice told me,
"We are programmed to deceive.
Keep on striving for your dearest dreams
And we're pretty sure you'll succeed!"

"No reprieve in the Demiplane of Terror,
A peculiar land, (A peculiar land)
I don't understand. (I don't understand)
Just one way to leave the Demiplane of Terror:
If Weis and Hickman retcon,
You'll be free to abscond!"
#3

johannixx

Mar 13, 2007 2:23:14
A D&D version of "Turn the Page":

On a long and lonesome highway
East of Kartakas
You can listen to the wind as it moans out its one-note song
You think about the woman, or the girl you knew the night before

But your thoughts will soon be wanderin'
The way they always do
When you're ridin' sixteen hours and there's nothing much to do
And you don't feel much like ridin', you just wish the trip was through.

Aw, here I am
One the road again
There I am
Earning XP,
There I go
Adventuring again
There I go,
D&D

So you walk into a smoky inn
All strung out from the road
And you feel the eyes upon you as your hat leaks like a seive
You pretend it doesn't bother you, but you just want to roll initiative!

Yeah most times you can't hear 'em talk
Because Listen
Isn't on your class skill list; you're not a barbarian
And the rogues will just all flank you, sneak attack you where you stand

Aw, here I am
One the road again
There I am
Earning XP,
There I go
Adventuring again
There I go,
D&D

Out there on the battlefield
You're a million miles away
Every ounce of energy,
You try and give away
As the sweat drips from your body
Like the blood of those you slay

Later in the evening
As you lie awake in camp
With the echos of the sounds of battle and the flickering oil lamps
You smoke the day's last pipefull, feeling cold and damp

Aw, here I am
One the road again
There I am
Earning XP,
There I go
Adventuring again
There I go,
D&D
#4

sptjanly

Mar 17, 2007 8:30:10
Amazing