below is a text I've written for my players. It's a tale that an old man will tell them at night, in a tavern. It is a folklore explanation for why people appear now and then all slashed up after a night when the fog crosses the city. The characters in the tale did exist in the world, perhaps 2 centuries before (meaning to be _very old_ history) but the storyteller's interpretation is not accurate. Plus, it in fact has nothing to do with the reason of the murders (it's Mist Ferrymen in fact). Still, I wanted your opinion and advice in the text, if you think it captures the right mood, if it is too long, if I should change anything. Remember my group is still not within the mood and I'm trying to capture them a bit with this. They've already witnessed a scene in a tavern where everybody inside (rough, rough men, akin to pirates and sailors) suddenly all locked the doors and windows and began murmuring instead of talking when the fog began to rise. That created a very good effect, but it's still not enough.
I haven't included any guidelines to expressive reading, although in my mind I have imagined the faces, pauses and emotions of the old man. If you remember seeing it in TV, imagine "The Storyteller", that man who had a dog and spent the whole episode recounting a fantastic tale. Very, very good show. What a shame they don't show it anymore.
Regarding the text, please note it's only a translation, I will read it in its original version (in Portuguese). Anyway, any English correction is welcome because I might end up writing my campaign up and this would have to be in it. Especially welcome are sinonyms for 'night', 'darkness' and 'fog/mists'. I seem to be overusing these words :-( (it's easier in the original language)
Thank you all in advance.
W.C.
[edit: incomplete (sic) translation; just one more note]
"The night is full of danger. Be careful outside your home at night,
for the terrors of the night abound at that time and know no
compassion for us, poor mortals.
Many years ago, a norse warrior named Siegfrid sailed up the Maritsa and
arrived [here] to Keshgel. He brought with him a dark man, of athletic
build, but with a deep, hypnotizing, dangerous gaze. Every person who
looked at him turned their eyes aside immediately: they felt like they
were seeing in him the flames of Hel, and felt all their own guilts
suddenly revealed. Siegfrid was a knight of the Light, but this
tenebrous man, who was he ? And why was he with Siegfrid ?
Siegfrid called him Al-Vatos, The Fate. He brought with him two long
and sharp scimitars. He had no hair, but his beard was curled, tight
and cut squarely. He never spoke. They say Siegfrid once had cut his
tongue so he no longer could curse him for his capture.
Aye, because as I now tell you, this Al-Vatos was no less than a demon
that Siegfrid had yielded and from whom he now asked a redempting
service.
Alas, this world is corrupt and evil in its core. It envies the light
and those who follow it, and places them before tests and more tests
until it finally corrupts them.
Siegfrid travelled much with Al-Vatos, always trying to redeem him. A
vain quest, it seemed at the beginning. A vain quest, it proved in the end.
When they arrived to Irvanika [the domain where Keshgel and river
Maritsa are], they tell us it was already the demon who had the upper
hand: Siegfrid, ever the dedicated warrior, sought for evil, sought
for all the creatures of darkness, true, but far from trying to redeem
them, he destroyed them without pity. On new moon's nights, Siegfrid's
armour shone in the dark as he challenged the servants of the
night. With strength of arm and supernatural dedication, he cleansed
bit by bit this land of evil.
Brave Siegfrid, heroic knight, hapless we are that we lost you in the
night. Did he die ? Has he deviated from his path ? ... Was he at last
corrupted ? Who knows ? The new moon was his, but on the full moon,
there was no Siegfrid: a direful fog rose from the river and within
it, one could hear the sinister laugh of Al-Vatos while he clanked his
scimitars and his eyes seemed to burn, showing those he pursued the
flames whither he'd send them. Al-Vatos, the black demon, eyes of fire
ad skin of coal; arms of steel cold as the night, hidden in the fog
that protects the cowards; fearful torch who burnt the souls of all
who crossed his way: heroes of light, champions of darkness, warriors
of virtue, or dens of iniquity, all fell before his fury. All fell
before his rage, all fell before his sharp blades. And where were you,
Siegfrid ? Did you fall also before Al-Vatos ?
Much is told about Siegfrid. Perhaps some day you'll hear he, too,
could not resist the Black One's malice. That even mute and
speechless, his filthy and obscene thoughts did little by little
corrode the inner self of Siegfrid's and that this forsook his strife
and joined his sword to Al-Vatos' in the fog of the night. But I
think, I do think not. Siegfrid was a champion, no doubt, but he met
his equal. And on a new moon night, his light extinguished. Siegfrif
fell and his clamour, his battle fury vanished for ever. The nights
became darker and this bastion was lost for ever more. The darkness of
Al-Vatos, that!, remained, and it is still possible, nowadays, in
nights of fear when the mists rise from the river, to hear his
laughter within the fog. Far, far am I on those nights of ominous
vapours, within a house where they don't enter, because outside
Al-Vatos is lord and king and his are the souls of those he finds..."
it's kind of long, but what i did read looked fine to me. not sure how it is in portugese, but i'll take your word for it.
my only suggestion is that an old man may not be so elloquent. use a more colloquial form of presentation, perhaps?
old man = grizzled. grizzled people slur words or drop G's at the end. at least, that's how i'd see it.
Originally posted by Aion Khonsu
my only suggestion is that an old man may not be so elloquent. use a more colloquial form of presentation, perhaps?
Yes, but the old man is a storyteller
A bard, let's say, but don't fall on me because of that.After all, not all bards have to be young and troubadour-like.
W.C.
Originally posted by William Cairnstone
Yes, but the old man is a storyteller
After all, not all bards have to be young and troubadour-like.
W.C.
I think an old man being the storyteller is good. He's old, so he's wise, and old people have more to tell, and have more experience at telling stories.
i understand the bard thing, that's easy enough.
i thought this was more of a "random old grampa who likes to tell everyone the scary story" old man. not an old bard.