The Tragic Story of Dr. Hapkins



Jan 28, 2004 12:32:11

The Tragic Story of Dr. Hapkins

Dr. Jonathan H. Hapkins IV, AKA Jonathan the Crazy, Crazy Hapkins, Dr. Crazy, Dr. Crazy McHapkins, Crazy Dr. Death, Dr. Crazy Death Hapkins (killer of birds), Dr. H. Dikrapkins, Planepool Jon, Crazy Captain H, Captain Crazy, The Crespo County Crazy, and finally, J-Double H, is well-known for his work with flame retardants (or retards, for short) on ships. His pioneering research with retards has led to numerous similar studies in logistics, aerospace technology, astro-physics, and even cannabis conflagration devices, but not thermodynamics. Thermodynamics is just too infantile a field too comprehend the work of Dr. Hapkins.

For more on Dr. Hapkins, read on.

One day, Dr. Jonathan H. Hapkins IV was inventing the greatest device man ever knew, while burning some retards on the side of his laboratory (strong "o" sound please). He only needed to figure out one last piece to his formula/idea. Then, after hours of thinking it hit him - the urge to run immediately to the latrine.

For more on Dr. Hapkins, please continue reading.

When he got to the latrine he couldn't stop thinking about his formula/idea, so the first thing he did when he sat on the toilet was to start going to the bathroom. He thought his ideas were explosive, as was his diarrhea, but as soon as he started thinking of other things that were explosive he stopped because he was afraid he might go mad.

There's more Dr. Hapkins ahead. Please continue.

The good doctor then turned his thoughts back to his formula/idea. Just what exactly would the spelljammer community do with this idea? Would they exploit it and use it to take over the other worlds of our sphere, further boosting their position as power hungry space mongrels? You see, Dr. Hapkins hated his home planet, hated it for being so aggressive and hated it for not providing the healers with proper diarrhea medicine.

To find out what happened next, read on.

His thoughts were flying all over the place, making and breaking alliances like underwear in a tumble dryer. Just as he divined the final piece of information he would need, using an ancient ritual long lost to the minds of men, disaster struck. Diarrhea shot from his backside like water from a backed-up rusty pipe (and making the same sound), blood shot from his over-picked nose, and throwup oozed out of his throwup filled mouth.

Things are starting to pick up. Don't miss what comes next. Read on, weary reader.

Just as this all happened, Dr. Hapkins fell to the floor, slamming his head on the side of his bathtub, his head exploding on the ivory tub like vegetable soup in a paper bag. When he woke up, he felt dazed for a few moments, until he looked up into the most beautiful, blue eyes he had ever seen. A face topped with flowing, naturally curly blond hair looked down at him, the most delicate, beautiful...just beautiful green face he had ever seen.

The conclusion is coming up. Don't miss what's next. You must read on!

What was obviously a Mexican cockfrog (Rana phallus mexicana) looked down on the good doctor. He didn't say anything to the creature, though. The thought between two such beings as Dr. Hapkins and the frog needn't be spoiled by the primitive and terrible speech of man. They just stared at eachother for hours, both somehow knowing the innate feelings and deepest desires of the other. Then, just when the good doctor thought he would explode with the tension, he went to the bathroom again, RIGHT on the floor.

The End.

Thank You.