The Rhul-Thaun: a race of Halflings. The descendant of the eldest sentient race that ever lived on this world they call Athas. In bygone times, when the planet was covered almost entirely by oceans and seas, they were the masters of their world for they had tamed the very mechanics (The word mechanics seems inappropriate.)of life. As a result their whole lifestyle was linked to this science they named: life-shaping. (how does this follow?) Thru (Through) this unique time consuming organic (too many adjectives) manipulation the master-shapers could influence the very building blocks of all life form (forms). In that era they were the Rhulisti. (Rhulisti is just a name, maybe they were called that, but it wasn't what they were) Basically (,) the science consisted in (of) the growth of many organic forms, some becoming tools of all shape and function (shapes and functions;) such as weapons or items used in every day task (tasks) to name just too (Two) (This sentence is atrocitious). Others would grow to be shelters, again, for various use or function. (You are making it sound like these lifeshaped buildings are people and changing voices mid sentance.) (Besides, it should be written: Others would grow to become shelters, again, for various uses or functions.) What ever (Whatever) they needed, the halflings would conceive it (this word can be eliminated entirely) through life-shaping: tool (s), grafts, symbiotic creatures, guardians, living transportation devices, weapons, creatures grown to facilitate communication from one house or town to an other (another) without the annoying and time consuming task of travel. (Is travel always annoying and time consuming? Unless this opinion of travel is a part of the voice of your narrative; you should simply say: without the need for travel) However, the Rhulisti had their limits, or was it a mere miss calculation but when they thought they could cheat nature beyond what they could achieve thus far, by trying to double the prosperity of life in the oceans, a fatal disaster occurred. (Run-on sentence. Also, the transition at "but" in the middle makes no sense) Consequently (you are discribing the disaster not a consquence of the disaster) the oceans were slowly but inexorably replaced by an outlandish organism which would historically be called (please don't use future-past tense when it can be avoided. You could say: which came to be known as ) The Brown Tide. The water world and its inhabitants were in otter (utter) chaos given that the ‘’masters’’ (Don't use alternate wordings like "given that", unless you know why you are using them. Your use of "masters" sounds snotty and pedantic) were now powerless to the destruction of what they valued above all (else): the respect (Do they want nature to respect them, or people to respect nature? Right now it sounds like the former.) and the balance of nature itself. Because of their folly, the extinction of thousands of aquatic life forms was inevitable. Not forgetting whole Rhulisti nations was or would be destroyed (suggestion:To say nothing of the destruction of entire nations) (I don't think you need to note that they were Rhulisti nations, as those were the people you were already speaking of and their were no other people on the face of Athas at the time that had nations). Empires crumbled all around (over) the globe. Many Rhulisti survivors wandered (you don't wander when you are searching for something. Wandering implies a lack of direction adn listlessness) all around Athas in search of a way to stop the terra firma infection (Don't introduce new terminology for something you've already been talking about near the end of your narrative, unless it absolutely makes sense bsed on your previous terminology). Ironically (why is this ironic?) the answer lay near where it all started in an area now called the Tyr region. Why this specific location was chosen is lost in history, but the Rhulisti grew a colossal tower which they then used to kill the infection by canalizing the life-giving might of the sun through the organic structure later called the Pristine Tower. In their haste to end the ravaging tide, the Rhulisti discovered to (too) late the consequence of their act (actions,) for the Sun would not let go of its strength without repercussion hence its alteration (this part should be eliinated you explain it in the next sentece anyway). The once azure sun became a yellow furnace. So it was, that by the time the Rhulisti could find a way to stop the Brown Tide infection (when did it become an infection?), a new era was set in (into) motion. That was around fourteen hundred thousand years ago. Many events (have) occurred since then but the descendants in this day and age of the once overconfident Rhulisti Empire are ignorant to that knowledge.
Nowadays (just say now) the Rhul-Thaun clings (cling) to life in a vertical jagged (jagged vertical) world. Although still relying on a fraction of their ancestor’s comprehension of life-shaping science for everything they own and do, they are irreversibly losing more and more of their precious lore each passing year. Because of this, they have develop, long ago, a more ritualistic way of life to the limit of religious conviction for the Rhul-Thaun are convinced that by ritualizing every doings of their life-goings, either as complex as life-shaping or as mundane as saluting a friend, they keep a better chance at keeping what knowledge they still possess. (suggestion: Becaus of this, the Ruhl-Thuan have developed a more ritualistic way of life. Convinced that by ritualizing every aspect of their lives, that they will be able to hold onto their slowly eroding knowledge and culture.) In addition to their lost hope, the Rhul-thaun have secluded themselves and dare not venture outside their dominion from fear of what they could discover but, more so, because they vowed to do so to their once (and still consider as such to this day) Lord by the name of Thes-onell who took upon himself and his group the harsh duty to travel the unknown in hope of discover the answer to their enigma: what place do they still have in this world. (I'm completely lost on how to fix this one) Of course the Halflings of the Jagged Cliff region are not single minded as one hence the creation, over the past centuries of different factions with different opinion and belief. (suggestion: Of course, the Halflings of the Jagged liff region aren't as single minded now as they once were. Over the last few centuries a number of factions with new opinions and beliefs have arisen.) Though these factions are in (the) minority, they each have (have each) grown stronger in the past few years.
You need to work on unifing this passage into a single voice and you need to understand what that voice is. Right now it reads like a narrative in places, a textbook in others, and a guy just shooting the sht in others.
Man am I glad I called it a draft But you're absolutely wright.
mechanics (The word mechanics seems inappropriate.)
That one I new. Just didn't know what word to use as a replacement
unique time consuming organic (too many adjectives)
Again, I give you credit on that one but tell me. How may I descibe in short? Must I write a paragraph each time I'll feel the need to descibe a tool, or an event....?
... building blocks of all life form (forms).
I guess that each time I'll be able to say their are more then one ''what ever'', It'll take an ''s'' wright??
In that era they were the Rhulisti. (Rhulisti is just a name, maybe they were called that, but it wasn't what they were)
I just thought that it would be apropriate if the word rhulisti ment masters (rhul) of all life forms (isti) but not abusers of them. Of course they are halflings but being also rhulisti was a title none would reject. Nature Benders were not considered Rhulisti from most since they tried to bend nature in ways not ment to be. See my point??
Others would grow to be shelters, again, for various use or function. (You are making it sound like these lifeshaped buildings are people and changing voices mid sentance.) (Besides, it should be written: Others would grow to become shelters, again, for various uses or functions.)
I dont get it; seems like the same sentence to me!!
What ever (Whatever) they needed, the halflings would conceive it (this word can be eliminated entirely)
Got it.
without the annoying and time consuming task of travel. (Is travel always annoying and time consuming? Unless this opinion of travel is a part of the voice of your narrative; you should simply say: without the need for travel)
You're making me realise I have a tendancy to write to much details in places there shouldn't be.
However, the Rhulisti had their limits, or was it a mere miss calculation but when they thought they could cheat nature beyond what they could achieve thus far, by trying to double the prosperity of life in the oceans, a fatal disaster occurred. (Run-on sentence. Also, the transition at "but" in the middle makes no sense)
If I may ask. Could you elaborate on this one?
Consequently (you are discribing the disaster not a consquence of the disaster) the oceans were slowly but inexorably replaced by an outlandish organism
I just want to understand this; Am I not descibing the consequence of their mistake with the desciption of what turned out to be a disaster??
which would historically be called (please don't use future-past tense when it can be avoided. You could say: which came to be known as )
Ok! Why?? I mean what makes a future past tense unfavorable in it's use?
The Brown Tide. The water world and its inhabitants were in otter (utter) chaos
I guess that one must of been a good laugh now that I remember what an otter is??
given that the ‘’masters’’ (Don't use alternate wordings like "given that", unless you know why you are using them. Your use of "masters" sounds snotty and pedantic)
I'll be frank... you lost me there!! I'll I know now is that I dont know how to use alternate wordings.
were now powerless to the destruction of what they valued above all (else): the respect (Do they want nature to respect them, or people to respect nature? Right now it sounds like the former.)
Yap!! now that you mention it, you wright.
Not forgetting whole Rhulisti nations was or would be destroyed (suggestion:To say nothing of the destruction of entire nations) (I don't think you need to note that they were Rhulisti nations, as those were the people you were already speaking of and their were no other people on the face of Athas at the time that had nations).
Again, missplaced details.
Empires crumbled all around (over) the globe. Many Rhulisti survivors wandered (you don't wander when you are searching for something. Wandering implies a lack of direction adn listlessness)
I see.
all around Athas in search of a way to stop the terra firma infection (Don't introduce new terminology for something you've already been talking about near the end of your narrative, unless it absolutely makes sense bsed on your previous terminology).
I'm not sure I've assimilated this one corectly. Are you saying that terra firma is not the proper word to use or is it infection that shouldn't be used since I'm that's what I refering from the begining??
Ironically (why is this ironic?) the answer lay near where it all started in an area now called the Tyr region.
Because of all those who searched over the globe for an answer it is the ones who stayed near who found it.
for the Sun would not let go of its strength without repercussion hence its alteration (this part should be eliinated you explain it in the next sentece anyway).
Me and my details...
The once azure sun became a yellow furnace. So it was, that by the time the Rhulisti could find a way to stop the Brown Tide infection (when did it become an infection?),
Well if I were a Rhulisti and I saw a strange life-form ravaging, killing what I consider the craddle of all life on this world I'd call it an infection of massive proportion. Especially because I'd be rhulisti with my way of life.
clings (cling)
I sometime have a hard time knowing when the verb takes an ''s'' or not.
In addition to their lost hope, the Rhul-thaun have secluded themselves and dare not venture outside their dominion from fear of what they could discover but, more so, because they vowed to do so to their once (and still consider as such to this day) Lord by the name of Thes-onell who took upon himself and his group the harsh duty to travel the unknown in hope of discover the answer to their enigma: what place do they still have in this world. (I'm completely lost on how to fix this one)
At last, I got ya there!!
Of course the Halflings of the Jagged Cliff region are not single minded as one hence the creation, over the past centuries of different factions with different opinion and belief. (suggestion: Of course, the Halflings of the Jagged liff region aren't as single minded now as they once were. Over the last few centuries a number of factions with new opinions and beliefs have arisen.)
Taking notes
thanks again
now back to work