[Nikaal] A Day in the Life - Downloaded from the Wizards Community, all coding removed by Solauren

[Nikaal] A Day in the Life

Post/Author/DateTime Post
#1
bengeldorn
Dec 16, 2006 21:18:22 This is my first attempt to write a brief story. Doing this was as hard as I thought, especially in a non-native language. Anyways, I'd like to hear, what you think. Any comments are welcomed.

A Day in the Life
It was still dark and cold when Atklad woke up to the noise of grating stones. Eavesdropping beyond his tent, he felt relieved as he heard Puktal admonishing Iksen in a low voice to be more carefully, because she could wake up the others. “Too late” Atklad thought to himself. Guessing that the sun would rise up in a few hours, Atklad decided to stay awake. He took a thick cloak, because he knew that it would be very cold outside the tent, and although his scales were able to regulate his temperature effectively in the heat of the day, he still would be as vulnerable to cold as any other humanoid creature is during athasian nights. By moving silently to the exit of the sandy colored, 8-feet-high peaked tent, Atklad successfully avoided waking up his parents. With a bone dagger tied at his belt he stepped out of the tent. Moving slowly and silently towards Puktal and Iksen, who both stood at the edge of the camp with their backs to the campfire and to Atklad, he tried to avoid waking up the other members of the tribe; besides this was a good moment to practice his sneaking skills. He was almost seven feet away from them as Atklad noticed that Puktal has tightened his grip around the staff of his tkaesali. Atklad stopped and whispered to Puktal, "What was it this time?” While Iksen turned around startled, Puktal loosened his grip and answered in a very low voice, ”Look at the ground!” Both, Atklad and Iksen looked down, but they couldn’t see anything except Atklad’s shadow. “Off course, the shadow!” both thought and said it out at the same time. Iksen turned to Atklad and asked him in a defiant voice, “What are you doing out here anyways? Shouldn’t you by asleep like the other ones?” “Well,” he started with an ironic smile, “I would have slept like the other ones, if I hadn’t been awoken up by a noise I heard outside our tent, when a certain person didn’t watch her step during her patrol.” Iksen lowered her eyes embarassed, and was just about to counter the accusation as Puktal interrupted her before she could start, ”Enough!”. Both knew it would be better to listen to the Niksilae, but they didn’t stop throwing angry looks at each other for a moment. “Any signs of the Gith?” Atklad asked while he stepped besides Puktal, who still kept his eyes to the dark horizon. “No. It seems that they haven’t noticed us.” Puktal paused a while before he continued, “But Gith are known to ambush, when you at least expect it.” “They’d better not try to, if they know what’s good for them,” Iksen butted in. “Atklad,” Puktal started in a resigning tone, “could you please tell Iksen, what she should already have learned by now?” “Of course!” Atklad answered boastfully, but before he could continue, Iksen said, “I know, I know! Don’t fight, if it is unnecessary; but be prepared to fight when it becomes inescapable.” “You know the words, but it seems that you don’t know what they mean.” Puktal continued his by teaching how hard it is to survive on athas and that there is no honor in starting a fight for any reason except protecting their lives and the lives of their loved ones. He continued his lessons while they patrolled around their camp.
It was dawn, when the first nikaals woke up and left their tents. Atklad watched his parents walk strait to the kank herd with a few others of the tribe. They started to milk the kanks and prepared the breakfast for the whole tribe. Watching how everyone seemed to know what to do, Atklad noticed two men coming towards him, Puktal and Iksen. It was Ksendal, another niksilae, and Oklad who had come to replace the watch.
After taking his breakfast, Atklad met with the other young nikaals to begin their fighting practice, led by Puktal, who told the group to pick up their practicing staffs. After a warm-up with some shadow fighting moves, Puktal separated the group into pairs. Atklad could hardly suppress his smile as Puktal announced that he would practice with Iksen today, who still gazed at him angrily. Just as Puktal gave the sign to start the sparing, Iksen charged Atklad, who deftly sidestepped an gave Iksen a light clap with his staff on her back, which was almost enough to unbalance her. Iksen turned around and started as series of blows, but Atklad decided to remain on the defense and blocked her attacks. Just as Puktal came towards them, Atklad lost his attention for a second and got hit hard. He wobbled back and took some deep breaths. “You can’t defeat your opponent by only defending, Atklad,” he heard Puktal’s words, “Only by attacking yourself, can your opponent fall.” Atklad saw how a big smile went over Iksen’s mouth, while he couldn’t suppress a smile either. “Draw,” he thought, knowing that Iksen thought the same. They continued their practice for another hour, but now with care not to hurt each other seriously.
Returning from the drill, Atklad noticed that the tents have been packed and that the camp was ready to go. “How was your drill, son?” his father asked, but Atklad just answered with a short, “Instructive! Do we journey on yet?” “Yes! Tuklaed decided that it would be better to continue. He’d like to stay away from those Gith.” Without asking any further, as Atklad knew the chief’s words shouldn’t be questioned, he took his gear and prepared to leave with the tribe.
#2
ruhl-than_sage
Dec 17, 2006 9:40:30 Thought I would give your story a cursory clean-up ;)

A Day in the Life
It was still dark and cold when Atklad woke up to the noise of grating stones. Eavesdropping beyond his tent, he felt relieved as he heard Puktal admonishing Iksen in a low voice to be more carefully, because she could wake up the others. “Too late” Atklad thought to himself. Guessing that the sun would rise up in a few hours, Atklad decided to stay awake. He took a thick cloak, because he knew that it would be very cold outside the tent, and although his scales were able to regulate his temperature effectively in the heat of the day, he still would be as vulnerable to cold as any other humanoid creature is during athasian nights. By moving silently to the exit of the sandy colored, 8-feet-high peaked tent, Atklad successfully avoided waking up his parents. With a bone dagger tied at his belt he stepped out of the tent. Moving slowly and silently towards Puktal and Iksen, who both stood at the edge of the camp with their backs to the campfire and to Atklad, he tried to avoid waking up the other members of the tribe; besides this was a good moment to practice his sneaking skills. He was almost seven feet away from them as Atklad noticed that Puktal has tightened his grip around the staff of his tkaesali. Atklad stopped and whispered to Puktal, "What was it this time?” While Iksen turned around startled, Puktal loosened his grip and answered in a very low voice, ”Look at the ground!” Both, Atklad and Iksen looked down, but they couldn’t see anything except Atklad’s shadow. “Off course, the shadow!” both thought and said it out at the same time. Iksen turned to Atklad and asked him in a defiant voice, “What are you doing out here anyways? Shouldn’t you by asleep like the other ones?” “Well,” he started with an ironic smile, “I would have slept like the other ones, if I hadn’t been awoken up by a noise I heard outside our tent, when a certain person didn’t watch her step during her patrol.” Iksen lowered her eyes embarassed, and was just about to counter the accusation as Puktal interrupted her before she could start, ”Enough!”. Both knew it would be better to listen to the Niksilae, but they didn’t stop throwing angry looks at each other for a moment. “Any signs of the Gith?” Atklad asked while he stepped besides Puktal, who still kept his eyes to the dark horizon. “No. It seems that they haven’t noticed us.” Puktal paused a while before he continued, “But Gith are known to ambush, when you at least expect it.” “They’d better not try to, if they know what’s good for them,” Iksen butted in. “Atklad,” Puktal started in a resigning tone, “could you please tell Iksen, what she should already have learned by now?” “Of course!” Atklad answered boastfully, but before he could continue, Iksen said, “I know, I know! Don’t fight, if it is unnecessary; but be prepared to fight when it becomes inescapable.” “You know the words, but it seems that you don’t know what they mean.” Puktal continued his by teaching how hard it is to survive on athas and that there is no honor in starting a fight for any reason except protecting their lives and the lives of their loved ones. He continued his lessons while they patrolled around their camp.
It was dawn, when the first nikaals woke up and left their tents. Atklad watched his parents walk strait to the kank herd with a few others of the tribe. They started to milk the kanks and prepared the breakfast for the whole tribe. Watching how everyone seemed to know what to do, Atklad noticed two men coming towards him, Puktal and Iksen. It was Ksendal, another niksilae, and Oklad who had come to replace the watch.
After taking his breakfast, Atklad met with the other young nikaals to begin their fighting practice, led by Puktal, who told the group to pick up their practicing staffs. After a warm-up with some shadow fighting moves, Puktal separated the group into pairs. Atklad could hardly suppress his smile as Puktal announced that he would practice with Iksen today, who still gazed at him angrily. Just as Puktal gave the sign to start the sparing, Iksen charged Atklad, who deftly sidestepped an gave Iksen a light clap with his staff on her back, which was almost enough to unbalance her. Iksen turned around and started as series of blows, but Atklad decided to remain on the defense and blocked her attacks. Just as Puktal came towards them, Atklad lost his attention for a second and got hit hard. He wobbled back and took some deep breaths. “You can’t defeat your opponent by only defending, Atklad,” he heard Puktal’s words, “Only by attacking yourself, can your opponent fall.” Atklad saw how a big smile went over Iksen’s mouth, while he couldn’t suppress a smile either. “Draw,” he thought, knowing that Iksen thought the same. They continued their practice for another hour, but now with care not to hurt each other seriously.
Returning from the drill, Atklad noticed that the tents have been packed and that the camp was ready to go. “How was your drill, son?” his father asked, but Atklad just answered with a short, “Instructive! Do we journey on yet?” “Yes! Tuklaed decided that it would be better to continue. He’d like to stay away from those Gith.” Without asking any further, as Atklad knew the chief’s words shouldn’t be questioned, he took his gear and prepared to leave with the tribe.
#3
bengeldorn
Dec 17, 2006 12:49:16
Thought I would give your story a cursory clean-up ;)

Thank you. Do you have any comments about the story itself? Is it ok? Bad? Does it feel like the way, you envisioned the nikaals?
#4
ruhl-than_sage
Dec 17, 2006 14:00:33 Well, I think that it is a little bland. I like the philisophical elements of the Nikaal that you put into the story, but you don't really get any sense that they aren't just a human tribe. You need to try to be more evocative with your description. Try to capture the alien nature of these people through the five senses.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 bengeldorn Dec 16, 2006 21:18:22	This is my first attempt to write a brief story. Doing this was as hard as I thought, especially in a non-native language. Anyways, I'd like to hear, what you think. Any comments are welcomed. A Day in the Life It was still dark and cold when Atklad woke up to the noise of grating stones. Eavesdropping beyond his tent, he felt relieved as he heard Puktal admonishing Iksen in a low voice to be more carefully, because she could wake up the others. “Too late” Atklad thought to himself. Guessing that the sun would rise up in a few hours, Atklad decided to stay awake. He took a thick cloak, because he knew that it would be very cold outside the tent, and although his scales were able to regulate his temperature effectively in the heat of the day, he still would be as vulnerable to cold as any other humanoid creature is during athasian nights. By moving silently to the exit of the sandy colored, 8-feet-high peaked tent, Atklad successfully avoided waking up his parents. With a bone dagger tied at his belt he stepped out of the tent. Moving slowly and silently towards Puktal and Iksen, who both stood at the edge of the camp with their backs to the campfire and to Atklad, he tried to avoid waking up the other members of the tribe; besides this was a good moment to practice his sneaking skills. He was almost seven feet away from them as Atklad noticed that Puktal has tightened his grip around the staff of his tkaesali. Atklad stopped and whispered to Puktal, "What was it this time?” While Iksen turned around startled, Puktal loosened his grip and answered in a very low voice, ”Look at the ground!” Both, Atklad and Iksen looked down, but they couldn’t see anything except Atklad’s shadow. “Off course, the shadow!” both thought and said it out at the same time. Iksen turned to Atklad and asked him in a defiant voice, “What are you doing out here anyways? Shouldn’t you by asleep like the other ones?” “Well,” he started with an ironic smile, “I would have slept like the other ones, if I hadn’t been awoken up by a noise I heard outside our tent, when a certain person didn’t watch her step during her patrol.” Iksen lowered her eyes embarassed, and was just about to counter the accusation as Puktal interrupted her before she could start, ”Enough!”. Both knew it would be better to listen to the Niksilae, but they didn’t stop throwing angry looks at each other for a moment. “Any signs of the Gith?” Atklad asked while he stepped besides Puktal, who still kept his eyes to the dark horizon. “No. It seems that they haven’t noticed us.” Puktal paused a while before he continued, “But Gith are known to ambush, when you at least expect it.” “They’d better not try to, if they know what’s good for them,” Iksen butted in. “Atklad,” Puktal started in a resigning tone, “could you please tell Iksen, what she should already have learned by now?” “Of course!” Atklad answered boastfully, but before he could continue, Iksen said, “I know, I know! Don’t fight, if it is unnecessary; but be prepared to fight when it becomes inescapable.” “You know the words, but it seems that you don’t know what they mean.” Puktal continued his by teaching how hard it is to survive on athas and that there is no honor in starting a fight for any reason except protecting their lives and the lives of their loved ones. He continued his lessons while they patrolled around their camp. It was dawn, when the first nikaals woke up and left their tents. Atklad watched his parents walk strait to the kank herd with a few others of the tribe. They started to milk the kanks and prepared the breakfast for the whole tribe. Watching how everyone seemed to know what to do, Atklad noticed two men coming towards him, Puktal and Iksen. It was Ksendal, another niksilae, and Oklad who had come to replace the watch. After taking his breakfast, Atklad met with the other young nikaals to begin their fighting practice, led by Puktal, who told the group to pick up their practicing staffs. After a warm-up with some shadow fighting moves, Puktal separated the group into pairs. Atklad could hardly suppress his smile as Puktal announced that he would practice with Iksen today, who still gazed at him angrily. Just as Puktal gave the sign to start the sparing, Iksen charged Atklad, who deftly sidestepped an gave Iksen a light clap with his staff on her back, which was almost enough to unbalance her. Iksen turned around and started as series of blows, but Atklad decided to remain on the defense and blocked her attacks. Just as Puktal came towards them, Atklad lost his attention for a second and got hit hard. He wobbled back and took some deep breaths. “You can’t defeat your opponent by only defending, Atklad,” he heard Puktal’s words, “Only by attacking yourself, can your opponent fall.” Atklad saw how a big smile went over Iksen’s mouth, while he couldn’t suppress a smile either. “Draw,” he thought, knowing that Iksen thought the same. They continued their practice for another hour, but now with care not to hurt each other seriously. Returning from the drill, Atklad noticed that the tents have been packed and that the camp was ready to go. “How was your drill, son?” his father asked, but Atklad just answered with a short, “Instructive! Do we journey on yet?” “Yes! Tuklaed decided that it would be better to continue. He’d like to stay away from those Gith.” Without asking any further, as Atklad knew the chief’s words shouldn’t be questioned, he took his gear and prepared to leave with the tribe.
#2 ruhl-than_sage Dec 17, 2006 9:40:30	Thought I would give your story a cursory clean-up ;) A Day in the Life It was still dark and cold when Atklad woke up to the noise of grating stones. Eavesdropping beyond his tent, he felt relieved as he heard Puktal admonishing Iksen in a low voice to be more carefully, because she could wake up the others. “Too late” Atklad thought to himself. Guessing that the sun would rise up in a few hours, Atklad decided to stay awake. He took a thick cloak, because he knew that it would be very cold outside the tent, and although his scales were able to regulate his temperature effectively in the heat of the day, he still would be as vulnerable to cold as any other humanoid creature is during athasian nights. By moving silently to the exit of the sandy colored, 8-feet-high peaked tent, Atklad successfully avoided waking up his parents. With a bone dagger tied at his belt he stepped out of the tent. Moving slowly and silently towards Puktal and Iksen, who both stood at the edge of the camp with their backs to the campfire and to Atklad, he tried to avoid waking up the other members of the tribe; besides this was a good moment to practice his sneaking skills. He was almost seven feet away from them as Atklad noticed that Puktal has tightened his grip around the staff of his tkaesali. Atklad stopped and whispered to Puktal, "What was it this time?” While Iksen turned around startled, Puktal loosened his grip and answered in a very low voice, ”Look at the ground!” Both, Atklad and Iksen looked down, but they couldn’t see anything except Atklad’s shadow. “Off course, the shadow!” both thought and said it out at the same time. Iksen turned to Atklad and asked him in a defiant voice, “What are you doing out here anyways? Shouldn’t you by asleep like the other ones?” “Well,” he started with an ironic smile, “I would have slept like the other ones, if I hadn’t been awoken up by a noise I heard outside our tent, when a certain person didn’t watch her step during her patrol.” Iksen lowered her eyes embarassed, and was just about to counter the accusation as Puktal interrupted her before she could start, ”Enough!”. Both knew it would be better to listen to the Niksilae, but they didn’t stop throwing angry looks at each other for a moment. “Any signs of the Gith?” Atklad asked while he stepped besides Puktal, who still kept his eyes to the dark horizon. “No. It seems that they haven’t noticed us.” Puktal paused a while before he continued, “But Gith are known to ambush, when you at least expect it.” “They’d better not try to, if they know what’s good for them,” Iksen butted in. “Atklad,” Puktal started in a resigning tone, “could you please tell Iksen, what she should already have learned by now?” “Of course!” Atklad answered boastfully, but before he could continue, Iksen said, “I know, I know! Don’t fight, if it is unnecessary; but be prepared to fight when it becomes inescapable.” “You know the words, but it seems that you don’t know what they mean.” Puktal continued his by teaching how hard it is to survive on athas and that there is no honor in starting a fight for any reason except protecting their lives and the lives of their loved ones. He continued his lessons while they patrolled around their camp. It was dawn, when the first nikaals woke up and left their tents. Atklad watched his parents walk strait to the kank herd with a few others of the tribe. They started to milk the kanks and prepared the breakfast for the whole tribe. Watching how everyone seemed to know what to do, Atklad noticed two men coming towards him, Puktal and Iksen. It was Ksendal, another niksilae, and Oklad who had come to replace the watch. After taking his breakfast, Atklad met with the other young nikaals to begin their fighting practice, led by Puktal, who told the group to pick up their practicing staffs. After a warm-up with some shadow fighting moves, Puktal separated the group into pairs. Atklad could hardly suppress his smile as Puktal announced that he would practice with Iksen today, who still gazed at him angrily. Just as Puktal gave the sign to start the sparing, Iksen charged Atklad, who deftly sidestepped an gave Iksen a light clap with his staff on her back, which was almost enough to unbalance her. Iksen turned around and started as series of blows, but Atklad decided to remain on the defense and blocked her attacks. Just as Puktal came towards them, Atklad lost his attention for a second and got hit hard. He wobbled back and took some deep breaths. “You can’t defeat your opponent by only defending, Atklad,” he heard Puktal’s words, “Only by attacking yourself, can your opponent fall.” Atklad saw how a big smile went over Iksen’s mouth, while he couldn’t suppress a smile either. “Draw,” he thought, knowing that Iksen thought the same. They continued their practice for another hour, but now with care not to hurt each other seriously. Returning from the drill, Atklad noticed that the tents have been packed and that the camp was ready to go. “How was your drill, son?” his father asked, but Atklad just answered with a short, “Instructive! Do we journey on yet?” “Yes! Tuklaed decided that it would be better to continue. He’d like to stay away from those Gith.” Without asking any further, as Atklad knew the chief’s words shouldn’t be questioned, he took his gear and prepared to leave with the tribe.
#3 bengeldorn Dec 17, 2006 12:49:16	Thought I would give your story a cursory clean-up ;) Thank you. Do you have any comments about the story itself? Is it ok? Bad? Does it feel like the way, you envisioned the nikaals?
#4 ruhl-than_sage Dec 17, 2006 14:00:33	Well, I think that it is a little bland. I like the philisophical elements of the Nikaal that you put into the story, but you don't really get any sense that they aren't just a human tribe. You need to try to be more evocative with your description. Try to capture the alien nature of these people through the five senses.