Days they have travelled, seeking the fabled ruins of Arka'tur, for an artifact of immense power, one that would shift the power of the Tablelands into their hands. Tired and hungry they pushed themselves till they finally reached the Forest Ridge. They had just lost all their foodstuff and other supplies in a Tari raid two days back, they attacked at night, annd took the party by surprise, not only that, but they were outnumbered 5 to 1, they barely escaped with their lives.
Upon entering the Forest Ridge Karass took over and began scouting for food and a good camp site. Hours passed, and deeper into the forest one was finally found. The group set up camp and began feasting on the singing spiders the halflings of the Forest Ridge love to eat so much. They were able to extract water from the surrounding flora and were quickly refreshed and ready to call it a night.
As the stars slowly came out into the night sky and day slowly receded, the group left Karass and Kartan with first watch as the rest slept. Karass grew bored and left camp to scout the area they would be traveling through the next day.
An hour out he decided to start heading back to camp, satisfied that the path was clear, when off to his right he heard the slight sound of rustling foliage. Turning he was barely able to get his bone spear up to parry the bone short sword slashing toward his head. What he saw made his eyes widen, in front of him was a tall, slender, pale human female, but this was no normal human, these were more deadly, and he was caught off-guard for not expecting them to be in the halfling's forest.
Karass begin backing up while he continued parying the attacker's blows, trying to find a way to escape, knowing he could not win this fight. Time seem to slow as he heard more faint rustling behind him, but it was too late, a bone spear had already found it's way in between his ribs, piercing his heart. His eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped on the spear.
The agressors hung him with that spear still through him off the nearest sturdiest tree limb. Making sure to tie his hands and arms with silk string in the way that was their custom. They would leave him out in plain sight, as a warning, hoping this was all they needed. All they could do now is wait...
When it came to relieve Karass, and he did not return to be relieved is when Kartan decided to alert the rest of the group. They had only had a few hours of sleep, but they felt rejuvenated enough, and decided to head out and look for Karass.
His trail was not too hard to follow, and roughly an hour later they discovered the body, his hands and arms tied across each other to cover his face and eyes in a sort of veil. Toralk and Maruna meet each other's astonished stares, they knew this for what it was. However, they made a choice right there to continue onward, they did not come this far to stop now, too much was to be had.
Onward they continued, not stopping for the rest of the night, hoping to catch the rest of the agressors off guard, that was their first and last mistake...
Not even one mile was passed from Karass's body when the attack begun. They came out of nowhere, concealed within shadows in the night. Zalan was the first to fall, taking a few arrows and sword slashes before going down, her death screams could be heard by all.
All that was heard during the chaos that followed was foliage rustling, then a second or two of silence, then the agressors struck.
Kartan was the next to fall, though it took at least five of the aggressors because he just did not seem to want to die. At this point Toralk and Maruna ran in the opposite direction, hopefully to escape the onslaught, leaving Chessun to his grim death.
However, it was too late, they were warned, they ignored it, and now they are dead.
It didn't take long before the agressors caught up with Toralk and Maruna. Maruna watched as her lover was sliced and pierced with a combination of arrows and sword stabs, looking like a bleeding pincushion as he hit the forest floor. She was next, she screamed and ran to her right, but there was no escape.
The agressors tripped her up, slicing her hamstrings causing her to fall. She sobbed and yelled for silencing, hoping they would enact the one punishment that could keep her silent and make her slave to them for life. Little did she know, this group did not practice the silencing.
They circled around her, she saw them all, and they were all veiled, somehow she knew she was going to die there. She asked for the silenencing again, and she saw one of the agressors eyes widen. That particular female aggressor stepped forward and only said "No witnesses".
What followed was brief pain as her throat was slit and her life blood spilled on the forest floor, then darkness followed...
Good Stuff! The intro to your Villichi project? Or just a bit of storytime? Either way, not bad at all.
Originally posted by Mach2.5
Good Stuff! The intro to your Villichi project? Or just a bit of storytime? Either way, not bad at all.
It will be part of the villichi project, yes.
Originally posted by Quarion
I can only say that if that was from a game session, that I'm (a) glad that I'm not one of the players and (b) glad that you're still alive. :D
Heh, why thank you. :D
So what ever happened to Project: Villichi?
What a waste of a raise dead spell.
It's on the back back burner. Got to get ToA done first, then Kam and I are suppose to do the life-shaped stuff. Then I will petition the council for a Villichi supplement.
Hopefully I can find people to write good mechanics while I write the fluff since I'm not sure how much longer I can do mechanics without totally burning out.
What a waste of a raise dead spell.
I have a wand. A BIG one ;) :D
The party finally made it over the section of ringing mountains west of the ruins of Kalidnay crossing into the great Forest Ridge. They numbered six total, Toralk the half-elf fighter leading the expedition, Maruna his female mul lover for extra muscle, the elven air cleric Chessun, Karass their halfling scout through the Forest Ridge, Zalan a human female rogue with a zealous eye, and Kartan a mul Tarek ranger used as another scout beside Karass.
Your opening feels forced, and seems to overwhelm the reader with a series of characters with no real exposition. It might be better, if you fit the introduction of the characters more naturally into the text; or devoted an entire paragraph to describing each one, so that they can each gain some weight in the readers memory before you move on to the next one.
Days they have travelled, seeking the fabled ruins of Arka'tur, for an artifact of immense power, one that would shift the power of the Tablelands into their hands. Tired and hungry they pushed themselves till they finally reached the Forest Ridge. They had just lost all their foodstuff and other supplies in a Tari raid two days back, they attacked at night, annd took the party by surprise, not only that, but they were outnumbered 5 to 1, they barely escaped with their lives.
You switch momentarily into the present tense at the begining of this paragraph, watch your tenses. What is the power of the tablelands? Till sounds sloppy, you should use the more proper until. Your last sentence should be broken into at least two seperate sentences.
Upon entering the Forest Ridge Karass took over and began scouting for food and a good camp site. Hours passed, and deeper into the forest one was finally found. The group set up camp and began feasting on the singing spiders the halflings of the Forest Ridge love to eat so much. They were able to extract water from the surrounding flora and were quickly refreshed and ready to call it a night.
Again you move to quickly in your writting not allowing the reader to get a feel for what has happened. Try to be more descriptive.
As the stars slowly came out into the night sky and day slowly receded, the group left Karass and Kartan with first watch as the rest slept. Karass grew bored and left camp to scout the area they would be traveling through the next day.
You kind of beat us over the head with the character's motivations and actions. Try to be more subtle in you descriptions. Allow the reader to deduce what going on, if you can, rather then just coming out and telling us.
An hour out he decided to start heading back to camp, satisfied that the path was clear, when off to his right he heard the slight sound of rustling foliage. Turning he was barely able to get his bone spear up to parry the bone short sword slashing toward his head. What he saw made his eyes widen, in front of him was a tall, slender, pale human female, but this was no normal human, these were more deadly, and he was caught off-guard for not expecting them to be in the halfling's forest.
Again you need to watch for run on sentences. The last one in this paragraph can be neatly divided into two sentences.
Karass begin backing up while he continued parying the attacker's blows, trying to find a way to escape, knowing he could not win this fight. Time seem to slow as he heard more faint rustling behind him, but it was too late, a bone spear had already found it's way in between his ribs, piercing his heart. His eyes rolled back into his head and he slumped on the spear.
Again, try not to be quite so explicit and matter of fact about what is happening. What mood are you trying to capture? You need to try and set a tone in your writing and express it through word choices and sensory descriptions other then sight and sound. There are five senses, but you seem to be focusing almost entirely on sight and sound and only using sound in the most direct of ways.
The agressors hung him with that spear still through him off the nearest sturdiest tree limb. Making sure to tie his hands and arms with silk string in the way that was their custom. They would leave him out in plain sight, as a warning, hoping this was all they needed. All they could do now is wait...
You just switched perspectives and tenses here. It's quite jarring. Generally this isn't done without a chapter break.
I'll comment on the first half of your writing to give you some advice and perspective on your work. I'm sorry if I sound critical, but my intention is to help you improve your writing style.
Feel free to tear it apart, especially since that was written a few years ago and I think I have gotten better since then.
I could be wrong though.
Your opening feels forced, and seems to overwhelm the reader with a series of characters with no real exposition. It might be better, if you fit the introduction of the characters more naturally into the text; or devoted an entire paragraph to describing each one, so that they can each gain some weight in the readers memory before you move on to the next one.
The whole thing needs to be expanded but at the time I was just going for something brief and somewhat decent. I planned on at least making this the first few pages of the suppliment that I had in mind at the time.
I should probably put this on the things that I want to reqrite as well instead of waiting till I can actually start the suppliment, especially since I have no idea when and if I can even do one.
You switch momentarily into the present tense at the begining of this paragraph, watch your tenses.
Yeah, I have a real problem with that I've noticed.
What is the power of the tablelands?
Yeah, I should have expanded that some too.
Till sounds sloppy, you should use the more proper until.
Not sure what you mean here, but it's early stilll not quite awake yet, heh.
You kind of beat us over the head with the character's motivations and actions. Try to be more subtle in you descriptions. Allow the reader to deduce what going on, if you can, rather then just coming out and telling us.
Something else I have been trying to improve on as well.
Thanks Sage.
I'll comment on the first half of your writing to give you some advice and perspective on your work. I'm sorry if I sound critical, but my intention is to help you improve your writing style.
Don't take this the wrong way because I think that you correcting us on our writing is great, but are you an English teacher, a writer, a grade A student in English or all of the above?
Don't take this the wrong way because I think that you correcting us on our writing is great, but are you an English teacher, a writer, a grade A student in English or all of the above?
LOL :D , I'm a bit of a writer and I was a grade A+ english student, but I am definately not an english teacher in any formal sense.
Don't take this the wrong way because I think that you correcting us on our writing is great, but are you an English teacher, a writer, a grade A student in English or all of the above?
While a lot of this does matter to me overall in the grand schemes of things, the big question is has he studied any aesthetics and can he differentiate between subjective and objective viewpoints and can he look at art through both viewpoints, especially the latter.
That's where I tend to respect the editor's critique more, but Sage has also proven that he does know what's he talking about and as well has given good critiques in past experiences, so that's good enough for me for now.
[NOTE- this is not a question- I am telling you how you feel.]
Now Nyt- I know you are glad I dug through all 100 or so pages of posts and raised this one from the dead!!
Alright, I'll admit that, especially since I totally forgot about it and want to redo it now. The hard copy was also on the HDD that I just recently lost, so this is pretty convenient.
I do thank you despite my jesting earlier. ;)
[NOTE- this is not a question- I am telling you how you feel.]
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
Don't take this the wrong way because I think that you correcting us on our writing is great, but are you an English teacher, a writer, a grade A student in English or all of the above?
well, if you manage to drag Brax out of retirement ... he was ...