I thought I would offer it for free as the prize of a little contest to spice things up here on the planescape boards.
If you would like to win it, here is the deal: in honor of April Fool's Day coming up, reply to this post with a humourous adventure you had that took place on the planes, or a planar joke, or a funny story about Orcus or any other planar character you can think of.
Keep it short and sweet (and clean) but funny. The story must have something to do with the planes. The funniest entry gets the prize. I don't care how many times you enter.
I will leave the contest open for a week, cut off date will be midnight Thursday 3/31/05. The Winner will be announced Friday April 1st, 2005. If you are announced as the winner I will PM you to find out where you want me to mail your prize.
Does that sound like fun? If the contest goes well I have several other extra copies of Planescape books that I may just give away in future contests.
Let the funny begin! :angelhide
I don't have any great stories, but I'll put the best I have for the moment- my group hasn't been planar very long.
The best I can do that's actually on the planes is the party Xaosman's decision to start a fist fight with a harmonium patrol. The patrol leader (a mage) is shouting at the rest of the party to go away, nothing to see here, just dealing with some "disturbers of the peace". The Xaosman is "Undulating" off to one side, slowly getting closer to the mage. Then he shouts "CAN'T SEE ME!" and sucker punches the mage. Then he threw a rat from his "Bag of Tricks" at the nearest armed member of the Harmonium...
It was an interesting fight. Fun to DM. Much more fun IRL than my description makes it sound...
2) Hmm, maybe I should look through my bag of 'lovable Xaositect' stories
The first Signer turns to the second, amazed at the sight.
"Wow, imagine that." he says.
"I already did. Glad you liked it old boy." the second replied.
okay, that was bad, but at least it got the ball rolling....
Player: "So, the powers cannot enter this place?"
Me: "Yes."
Player: "No way?"
Me: "No. They just can't."
Player: "And they can eavesdrop on what is said here?"
Me: "Right."
Player: "Hmmm..."
Me: "What?"
Player: "There is one thing I wanted to do for a long time now. I search for a large plaza. One with something to stand on."
Me: [describes the trianym]
Player: "OK. Wellwellwell. I stand on one of these platforms. And now..."
Me: [very curious, I had no idea whta he was up to] "Yes?"
Player: "I start doing some muscle moves."
Me: "What???"
Player: "You know, posing around. Kissing my bizeps. These kind of things. Does everyone look?"
Me: "The audience seem quite puzzled. Your performance seems to be unusual."
Player: "Great. And then I shout: WATCH YE! I AM THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE MULTIVERSE! NOONE CAN COMPARE TO ME! EVEN THE GODS BOW BEFORE ME!"
-shocked silence on the gaming table-
Player: "Ah...I REALLY BADLY wanted to do that."
Me: "A large, very muscular guy with a very large hammer rises up and moves toward you. He seems very angry. You hear people muttering about him being a proxy of Thor."
Player: "What's f*cking hell is a proxy???"
Maybe it is not that funny when I tried to re-tell the story. But it was just hilarious at the gaming table. Clueless at its best.
Me: "While you're searching this supposed Xaositect hideout, you find a hidden mechanism in the fireplace. You push a secret button and hear a sound from somewhere near you, but you can't see anything."
Players: "We search the room again."
Me: "You fall, along with the carpet, down into a cellar room. The mechanism seemed to have opened a secret trapdoor." -rolls for damage-
Me: "This room seems to be empty. Some rats scurry away upon your aprupt entry. There is an empty torch-holder on the wall." <---HINT!HINT!HINT!
-players seem to think-
Players: "Man...these Xaositect guys are crazy for sure."
Other Player: "Yeah. Constructing a pit trap for which the intruders first have to find a secret button to activate it. Crazy people."
Player: "Let's get outta here."
Me: [puzzled and bemused] "Well...OK then."
Note, I picked this game up after a somewhat inept DM had some kind of crazy tavern adventure. I started it trying to be serious but… my players…
Halfie McHalflingson of Clan McHalflingson, LE Gnome Fighter, and his royal scribe Welby Hilltopple, CN Halfling Wizard, have just finished accidentally setting fire to a tavern and are riding away on a stolen wagon loaded with gold and such. Already tales of the “Fire-Breathing Rat King whom they Vanquished” were being noted in Welby’s Royal Memoirs.
So suddenly, the wagon and its occupants were set upon by demons and other such monsters and carried into the sky (after a brief combat) through an extraplanar gateway.
Upon awakening, the two “heroes” find themselves staring into the eyes of an extremely obese Farastu. The demodand (whose name slips my mind) begins joculating and performing unnecessary surgery upon the bound, conscious, and unanesthetized prisoners. He explains that he is bonding the hearts of demons to their mortal bodies, experimentally creating fiendish minions. At this point the pair noticed another prisoner nearby, a CN ( : eye roll : ) one-eyed dwarf rogue who calls himself “Patchy” similarly bound. As the demodand finishes up his completely unethical surgery, there is a loud explosion and the demodand and his minions race down the stairs.
Time passes, lots and lots of time. Eventually Halfie frees himself and his fellow captives. As they stalk down the corridor nudely, they pick up glasses and other such objects to use as weapons. Luckily their equipment was discarded haphazardly as whatever had occurred caused the imp carrying them to drop them fearfully. As the “noble heroes” make their way down the castle they pass through a room filled with horrible vats holding mortals in various stages of transformation into fiends and a vat of psionic hood things which cajole them telepathically.
As they reach the main lobby of this grand keep, the heroes look out a window to see a celestial army smiting the last of the fiendish armies and then vanish through a Gate back to their world.
A number of relatively humorous events occur, including the finding of an imp in a small closet that, for some reason, is completely filled with rocks. The imp leads them to a portal to Sigil and, somehow, escapes. The Portal lacks a key so they have to do SOMETHING.
At this point I expect them to try some keys, stop and think… but no, they decide to wander through the corridors. In one room they find a pile of corpses that reaches the roof and speaks to them. In another they find an infinite sea of acidic liquid (A portal to the Plane of Ooze) and are suddenly attacked by a CR 16 (these are level 2 characters) flesh ooze thing and are forced to run around the castle with it right on their heels in a rather fun little thing.
So they finally use the Ooze portal and, from there, end up traveling to the City of Brass via portal. In the city of Brass they go to a weapon shop run by a clever old fire giant who is an expert of metal and stonework. Halfie buys a sword, Patchey inquires after purchasing a crossbow. Here’s a quick example of this:
Patchy: So you got any crossbows?
Giant: Crossbow? HO! HO! HO! No wood here in the Plane of Fire, little boy, ho ho ho!
Patchy: So you don’t have anything?
Giant: Well, I’ve got this stone crossbow here, but it weighs 500lbs! HO HO HO!
At this point, the old giant is dubbed “Mr Awesome” by Welby Hilltopple and the heroes go on their way. SO, they’re trying to find a way to Sigil to, perhaps, find someone to save them from this horrible demony fate. They go down to the docks and find a man arguing with a dock attendant nearby a floating spelljamming ship. Patchy gets the bright idea to help the ship captain and, not once but twice, sneak attacks the dock worker and misses. Everyone looks at him like he’s crazy and he gets tasered by the Captain for being a homicidal maniac, at which point the demon within broke free and began trying to kill the dock attendant. The entire group jumps into the planejammer after some fancy diplomacying and escape before the City’s security shows up.
The planejammer captain immediately tosses the mad dwarf in the extradimensional brig and forces the other two to cook for him. A few hours later it is thought to check up on Patchy who has, meanwhile, set fire to his clothing in the brig (for… well, I have no idea what his motivation was) causing the cabin to fill with smoke and the ship to careen of course.
Yea, right into freaking Athas.
So, they’ve crashed the planejammer, in the impenetrable sphere of Athas. Right. More events occur including the setting of fire to a Hin settlement and the locating of a town. This is a strange cliff-side town in which travel from cliff face to cliff-face is accomplished by gondolas. The gondolas are manned by Muls who collect a small fee (very small for the adventurers who’re currently carrying GOLD and as such are rich) before allowing one to board the gondola. Welby and Halfie pay the man, Patchy attempts to push him over the edge.
Yea… if you haven’t sensed a pattern here, Patchy causes problems for the group. He fails to dislodge the Mul who begins beating him soundly about the head and neck. He finally gets a good footing and pushes the mul who catches himself on the edge before falling. The group leaps onto the gondola along with a pair of innocent bystanders and begin pulling levers. They activate the movement mechanism and the gondola begins careening out of control (due to gravity). They try to find the brake and release the trapdoor, the bystanders plummet to their deaths, the “heroes” just barely save themselves.
Two more levers, one is the brake. There’s a random roll, a pull of a lever, the gondola releases from the cables. Patchy leaps and grabs the line. Welby misses, but just barely, and his demon-blood asserts itself to save him, grabbing the cord with a long arm-tentacle. Halfie misses completely and a pair of demonic wings open and save him.
The characters scramble or fly to the next cliff landing and run, fleeing the sound of sirens. They reach the next gondola well ahead of the news of their despicable acts and meet the mul’s brother. This time they get on the gondola before trying to commandeer it and manage to drop the mul with the trapdoor and make it to the bottom.
At this point, I’m staring at them with a look of complete and utter disbelief. I have no idea how all of this has happened, but my game has begun to burn to the ground.
So I manage to get them back onto the planes with the use of some Mind Flayer and their old planejammer and plunk them down outside of Regulus. Patchy sets fire to a Regulan hospital, Halfie momentarily turns into a mass of seething tentacles as they anesthesiate him, and they all flee into the central portal.
The campaign ended when I decided to just put them in a combat tournament for fun. The Halfling wizard got mauled by a warrhinocerous, the gnome fighter got… eaten by a crawling head, and Patchy was flayed to death by a chain golem. I almost felt bad for them… But no, I didn’t….
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