The Cacophonous Cricket Colossus (Or: The Auditory Apocalypse You Didn't Ask For)
by Reverend Dungeon MasterYou wander into what looks like a perfectly peaceful meadow. Butterflies flutter. A gentle breeze tickles your tunic. Then SKREEEEEEEEEE!
Your spine snaps to attention. Your ears stage a rebellion. Out of the bushes hops a cricket the size of a spaniel, its body glistening like someone lacquered a rugby ball and gave it antennae. Its beady eyes lock onto yours with the malevolent energy of a xylophone gone rogue.
It begins to chirp. Not the quaint, whimsical sort of chirp you'd expect from a woodland critter. No, this is the Mind Melting Melody™, an unholy hybrid of bagpipes in a blender and your neighbour’s kid learning the recorder. It’s less “cricket” and more “apocalyptic kazoo from beyond the stars.”
Stat Breakdown (Because Surviving Requires Knowing What You’re Dealing With):
AC: 12 (Chirping Bug Armour, surprisingly tanky for something that sounds like a kettle)
HP: 22 (Ear-Splitting Endurance, presumably fed by the tears of adventurers)
Leg Jab: +3 to hit, 1d8 + 1 damage (Sharp Shins!, kicks like a drunk goat)
Sonic Chirp: DC 12 CON save, fail means 1d4 damage and deafened for a round (Mind Melting Melody!, now in surround sound)
Amplify (Special Ability): Turns the chirp up to eleven. DC 14 save, 1d6 damage. Your soul might weep.
It bounces around the clearing, wings fluttering with the urgency of someone late to a monster audition. Every hop is accompanied by another screech that could make a banshee say, “Tone it down, mate.”
You try to fight back, but it's hard to aim while your brain is being mashed into chutney by airborne noise pollution. The cricket seems pleased. Possibly. Or maybe it’s just mocking you with its face. It’s hard to tell when your eyeballs are vibrating.
Eventually, after much flailing, possibly divine intervention, and a regrettable moment involving your belt getting caught on a bush, the thing finally collapses. With one last whimper-chirp, it keels over.
You are victorious. Deaf, dishevelled, and emotionally unstable. But victorious.
And somewhere, deep in the forest... another chirp begins.
For more dungeon delving nonsense (or malicious meadows, in this case), visit Red Cape Games, home of Dungeon Dunce Weekly.