"Lord Cacklebones, the Incredibly Lazy Lich"
by Reverend Dungeon MasterAn undead encounter for adventurers with more confidence than common sense
You barge into the mouldy parlour expecting unholy shrieks, fireballs, or at least a skeleton doing the Charleston. Instead, there's a faint scent of mothballs, overcooked onions, and pipe smoke that never left the room.
Reclining like a collapsed marionette on a threadbare chaise longue is a skeletal figure in a wine-stained velvet robe, leafing through an old issue of Ye Weekly Hex. His head swivels with the grace of a rusty weathervane.
"Oh... Brilliant. Could you possibly come back later? I'm in the middle of absolutely nothing, and I’d hate to interrupt it. Try not to wake the cat. It's been dead since Tuesday and I’ve only just got it to sleep.”
This, poor souls, is Lord Cacklebones, once the scourge of the Whispering Isles, now the undead equivalent of a crusty uncle in a bathrobe.
LORD CACKLEBONES
(OSR)
Armour Class: 0
Hit Points: 85 (12 HD)
Move: 30' (usually hovers to avoid standing up)
Attacks: 1 spell or 1 feeble slap (1d4)
Damage: Varies by spell
No. Appearing: 1 (thank God!)
Save As: Magic-User 12
Morale: 7 (9 if you knock over his tea tray)
Treasure Type: H (he’s hoarded it behind 19 years of take-away receipts)
Alignment: Chaotic (but too tired to be actively evil)
Special Abilities
Spellcasting: Lord Cacklebones casts as a 12th-level Magic-User. He has access to the following spells, but can’t be arsed to memorise more than 3 per day. He keeps forgetting his own spellbook in the bathroom.
Spells Known (select from): Magic Missile, Sleep, Invisibility, Web, Fireball, Dispel Magic, Wall of Ice, Death Spell
Aura of Inconvenience: Anyone within 10' of him must save vs Spells each round or suffer -1 to all rolls due to overwhelming awkwardness and the smell of mildew.
Phylactery (Obvious): A porcelain teapot shaped like a smug owl. If Lord Cacklebones is destroyed, he’ll reform in 1d6 days unless the owl-teapot is shattered during a storm while someone whispers “tea is overrated.”
Moan of Ennui (once per encounter): All creatures within 30’ must Save vs Spells or become bored for 1 turn (can’t attack unless provoked, may roll wandering monster checks if they start poking around aimlessly).
Lair Notes
The parlour includes:
One skeletal cat named Sir Sniffington (sleeps 23 hours a day)
A magical kettle that never boils, despite being on since the last war
A cursed ottoman that tries to eat adventurer boots (AC 7, HP 12, 1d6 bite)
Three chairs with opinionated spirits (will debate you for 2d6 turns)
TREASURE (and various nonsense)
Hidden among the teacups and cobwebs:
3,500 gp, 1,200 sp, and 75 pp (all inside biscuit tins)
Wand of Mild Inconvenience (3 charges, causes a random item to vanish for 1 turn)
Robe of Slightly Increased Status (+1 Charisma when hosting)
Scroll of Forgotten Chores (causes one intelligent creature to forget what they were doing for 1d4 turns)
Ring of Undead Netflix (allows communication with any undead within 10 miles, only for small talk and recommendations)
Lord Cacklebones’ Spellbook: Covered in jam. Contains 2–3 random MU spells per level, up to 6th.
Tactics (if you can call them that)
Lord Cacklebones avoids combat unless someone insults his tea or touches the teapot. He prefers casting Sleep on attackers then complaining about noise. If reduced to 20 HP or fewer, he pretends to faint and hopes you'll go away.
You’ve survived the lich not with steel or flame, but by enduring his tragic monologue about how necromancy “used to mean something.” Take your treasure, polish your boots, and don’t sit in the green armchair. It’s haunted. By a tax auditor.
Note: EOTD is shared to many groups within the TTRPG community, on FB and elsewhere. Some of these groups cater to OSR and others to the modern D&D game. As such, EOTD alternates between OSR and new school stats. Sometimes, it's completely homebrew. If you find one EOTD not acceptable to your needs, not to worry, something else will come along shortly. Remember, consume EOTD responsibly. EOTD is intended for entertainment purposes only. If you or a loved one has suffered from overexposure to EOTD, seek medical attention immediately. Neither EOTD or Reverend Dungeon Master is responsible for the actions of TSR or WotC, which is likely to have caused both nostalgia and revulsion. Friends don't let friends roll natural ones. That's a lie. Friends totally let friends roll epic fails, and laugh when the lich uses them as their next phylactery. Roll a new character.
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