"No Troll Toll, No Roll Roll"
by Reverend Dungeon MasterSETTING: THE BRIDGE OF MILDLY INCONVENIENT PERIL
Location: A suspiciously wobbly bridge spanning a suspiciously shallow stream. The water isn’t deep, but it’s just enough to wet your socks and ruin your day.
A wooden sign reads in sloppy handwriting: “BRIDJ CLOSED. PAY TROLL. OR BE STROLLED.”
There’s also a second sign beneath it: “No refunds. No questions. No sense.”
WHO'S BLOCKING THE WAY?
GORGOTH THE HILL GIANT
A twelve-foot-tall pile of poorly-distributed muscle, body odour, and questionable trousers. Think “terrifying landlord” meets “sentient compost bin.”
Gorgoth’s Job: Official Bridge Owner (self-certified).
His Hobby: Feeding his troll pet leftover adventurers.
His Motto: “Oi! If it rhymes, it fines!”
AC: 14 (hide tunic, mostly regret)
HP: 105
Weapon: A tree branch he insists is a “magic club” (it’s not) (1d12).
Special Move: Foot of Authority – Gorgoth stomps and knocks everyone within 10 feet prone unless they say “please” loudly and in rhyme.
MR. TIBBLES THE BRIDGE TROLL
Yes, he’s a troll. Yes, he’s named Mr. Tibbles. No, you may not ask questions.
Lives under the bridge. Hates everything. Collects tolls in the form of riddles, shiny buttons, or elaborate dance routines.
AC: 15
HP: 45
Weapon: Passive aggression and claws (1d8)
Special Move: Bridge Bureaucracy – Halts all player actions for one round by forcing them to fill out imaginary forms.
WHAT HAPPENS?
As the party approaches:
Read Aloud (in your best Monty Python narrator voice): "A bridge, a troll, a giant. What could possibly go wrong? Gorgoth leans on a squashed tree, chewing a potato like it insulted his mother. Beneath the bridge, glowing eyes blink. A low growl follows: “No one passes ‘less they pays. Or juggles badgers. Your choice.’"
OPTIONS FOR PLAYERS
Negotiate?
Mr. Tibbles will accept:
A riddle he can’t solve.
A performance involving at least two accents and a fake moustache.
An interpretive dance explaining taxes.
Fight?
They’ll fight both Gorgoth and Mr. Tibbles… while the bridge collapses one plank per round. The players must roll Dex checks to stay on planks while dodging giant feet, troll tantrums, and thrown sheep (yes, there’s a sheep nearby, don’t ask).
Sneak Around?
DEX check… but if one player rolls a natural 1, Gorgoth yells, “OI! I SEE THAT SNEAKY KNEE!”
…And combat begins, plus Mr. Tibbles declares an “admin fee.”
TREASURE (IF SOMEHOW THEY WIN): A cursed coin purse that constantly jingles insults.
A +1 Club of Rhyming (must speak only in rhyme while wielding it).
One soggy bridge permit.
Gorgoth’s lucky toenail, which grants +1 Charisma only around goats.
DM TIPS:
Use silly voices. Make Gorgoth Welsh for no reason.
Every failed roll should be accompanied by an insult from Mr. Tibbles: “Oof. My gran casts better spells, and she’s dead.”
If the players get creative, reward them with nonsense.
"You seduced the troll? Fine. He’s in love now. He follows you forever. He knits."
For more hilarity with hill giants visit Red Cape Games, home of Dungeon Dunce Weekly. And coming later this year, DUNGEON DUNCE the TTRPG Family Farce!