"The Basilisk Who Couldn’t Even Look You in the Eye"
by Reverend Dungeon Master(The world's most ironically non-threatening death-lizard)
You step into what the wizard insisted was “probably just an abandoned root cellar.”
It's not.
Unless your nan stored petrified villagers next to the pickled onions.
At the back of the cave, stretched out like someone’s failed taxidermy project, lies a Basilisk. It's massive, lumpy, and wearing a suspiciously well-tied blindfold.
It lifts its head. Snorts. Sniffs.
"Oy! You better not be another bard. I’m full up on jazz hands."
Blind Basilisk:
Armour Class: 15 (natural armour, and sheer orneriness)
Hit Points: 136 (16d10 + 48; it’s had nothing to do but nap and stew)
Speed: 30 ft.
Abilities/Attacks:
Bite: Melee Weapon Attack, +5 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target.
Hit: 2d6 + 3 piercing damage plus 2d6 poison damage.
Comes with a side of sarcastic commentary about your boots.
Petrifying Insult (Recharge 5–6): Instead of a deadly gaze (blind, remember?), the basilisk mocks your existence so hard it bypasses the eyeball requirement.The target must make a DC 12 Constitution saving throw or begin turning to stone, while being aggressively judged. On a failed save, the target is restrained; must repeat the save at the end of its next turn. On a second fail, they are petrified. Successful save ends the effect and gives the target a lingering sense of shame.
Blindsight 60 ft. (because echolocation and emotional damage are real things)
Condition Immunities: Blinded (obviously), charmed, insulted
Combat Strategy:
Hears you breathe, mockingly calls it "performative"
Tries to corner loud or heavily perfumed adventurers
Will flee if the party starts making “accessibility” jokes. It knows when it’s being patronised
Treasure Tally (guarded with disdain):
Beneath a pile of polished bones and self-help scrolls:
900 gold pieces
1,400 silver pieces
4 gems (worth 100 gp each, taste-tested)
1 Potion of Stone to Flesh (labelled “Emergency Social Reset”)
+1 Short Sword (emits faint snickering near insecure party members)
A crumpled tapestry depicting a seeing-eye goblin guiding a basilisk through a library
Narrator’s Note: If you win, the basilisk lets out a melodramatic sigh and declares this the worst Tuesday ever. If you lose, you’ll be part of the decor, just between "Sir Wobbles of Candlekeep" and "Greg the Alchemist Who Wouldn’t Shut Up."
But wait! There's a sequel. Right now.
“Sightless & Spiteful™: A Basilisk’s Guide to Crushing Your Enemies and Your Self-Doubt”
(A motivational encounter that’ll leave you stone-faced in more ways than one.)
Location:
The repurposed ruins of an old temple in Baldur’s Gate. There’s a banner strung across the entryway in glittering gold ink:
“Sightless & Spiteful – Master Your Inner Beast
With Basilisk Basil, Life Coach (Certified by Nobody)**”
Outside, a confused crowd of adventurers, middle managers, and one very guilty-looking kobold clutching a journal all wait anxiously. You push past a sentient outhouse and enter.
There, on a velvet-draped stage, lounging atop a stack of self-help books and the shattered dreams of former interns, is Basil, the blind Basilisk from your previous run-in, now wearing a monocle (pointless) and a headset microphone (also pointless).
Basilisk Basil (Deluxe Motivation):
AC: 15
HP: 136
Blindsight: 60 ft. (Still blind. Still fabulous.)
Legendary Resistance (1/day): Basil refuses to acknowledge failure. If he fails a saving throw, he just says “Nope.”
Special Attacks (Now Motivational):
Bite of Brutal Honesty:
Melee Attack, +5 to hit, 2d6 + 3 piercing + 2d6 poison damage.
Before biting, Basil delivers a personalised critique of your adventuring choices. The damage comes with psychic pain and a strong desire to change careers.
Petrifying Pep Talk (Recharge 5–6):
Basil targets one creature he can sense within 30 feet. He delivers a rousing speech about “unlocking your true potential” so powerful it causes DC 12 Constitution saving throw or the listener is restrained by inspiration. Fail again, and you’re petrified by overwhelming motivation.
Aura of Toxic Positivity:
Anyone within 10 feet of Basil must make a DC 13 Wisdom saving throw at the start of their turn or suffer disadvantage on Insight and Persuasion checks, as they're overwhelmed with forced affirmations like “Every failure is a success in disguise!” or “You’re doing great, sweetie!”
Lair Actions (Because He Rents This Space Bi-Monthly):
On initiative 20:
Basil cues a spotlight and fog machine (minor illusion, obviously)
All enemies in the lair must make a DC 13 Charisma save or believe, briefly, that they are the keynote speaker and begin rambling incoherently about “synergy” and “emotional resilience”
Treasure Tally (stacked in the merch booth):
1,200 gold pieces in self-published scroll sales
3 Potions of Heroism labelled “Basilisk Blood – Now With Confidence!”
Cloak of Billowing (used for dramatic exits)
A cursed notebook: The Seven Habits of Highly Combative People
One +1 Shield, shaped like a motivational quote: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t bite.” – Basil
A wand of Prestidigitation signed by a very confused Mind Flayer
6 marble statues of former attendees labelled “Too Inspired to Function”
Narrator’s Final Word:
Should you defeat Basil, he dramatically claims he's going on a "sabbatical to write his memoirs" and vanishes in a puff of glitter.
Should you lose?
You’ll be immortalised as the “before” statues in his next promotional campaign.
SIGHTLESS & SPITEFUL™
Crush Your Enemies. Conquer Your Self-Doubt.
A Motivational Experience With Basil the Blind Basilisk
NOW TOURING BALDUR’S GATE, NEVERWINTER & AMN
DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH:
Low confidence in high-stakes dungeons?
Negative thoughts during initiative rolls?
Imposter syndrome when wearing legendary loot?
Then it’s time to awaken the beast within.
Join Basil, a certified* Life Coach and former subterranean apex predator, as he teaches you the 7 Transformational Scales of Personal Growth:
Wake Up & Smell the Adventuring Party
Stop Looking – Start Biting
Turn Your Weakness Into Stone
Be the Monster Your Enemies Fear
Say “No” to Gazes, Guilt, and Goblins
Profit From Trauma (Preferably Yours)
Always Leave a Statue Behind
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING:
"I went in a bard. I came out a motivational boulder." – Grimbo Wartsnout
"I haven’t blinked in three days." – Thrangor, ex-Ranger
"Technically I am petrified, but spiritually, I’m free." – Stone bust labelled “Jeff”
INCLUDED IN THE EXPERIENCE:
Complimentary blindfolds (trust the process)
Limited edition Basilisk-signed rock (may be a former intern)
One full-body motivational paralysis
Access to exclusive merch: “Stare Down Your Fears” T-shirts now in XXL
NEXT SEMINAR: The Flaming Fist Recreational Hall
Doors open at 8. Warnings screamed at 8:01.
Spots are limited. Some attendees may be permanently converted into statues. No refunds.
For more motivational dungeon crawls visit Red Cape Games, home of Dungeon Dunce Weekly.