"Strahd the Blunderer"
by Reverend Dungeon Master(for characters foolish enough to wander into his terribly dramatic monologues)
You stumble into the grand, gloomy dining hall of Castle Ravenloft, feet sticking slightly to the carpet (damp from centuries of Strahd's unseemly brooding). At the far end of a frankly over-decorated table, you see him: Count Strahd von Zarovich himself, swirling a goblet of suspiciously non-wine and pulling his best “dark and mysterious” face.
He spots you. His eyes narrow. His cloak billows dramatically, despite the complete lack of wind. He stands.
He monologues.
And monologues.
And monologues some more.
Congratulations. You’re in a boss fight against the vampire equivalent of that bloke at the pub who insists on telling you the real history of Stonehenge.
Strahd von Zarovich
(Legendary Pain-in-the-Neck)
AC: 18 (too much leather armour and sheer smugness)
HP: 144 (because he never skips brooding sessions)
Speed: 30 ft., or 60 ft. when chasing terrified peasants
Special Abilities:
Moody Monologue: Once per round, Strahd can waste everyone’s time by monologuing for a full minute. All enemies must succeed on a DC 15 Wisdom saving throw or be bored into stunned silence until the start of their next turn.
Snog of the Vampire: Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 9 (1d8 + 5) piercing damage plus 10 (3d6) necrotic damage. Victim must succeed on a DC 17 Constitution save or become "mildly miffed" (disadvantage on Charisma checks for 1 hour).
Overdramatic Exit: When reduced to fewer than 50 HP, Strahd may turn into a bat, a puff of smoke, or a mildly insulting cloud shaped like his face and flee at double speed. He cackles for no reason while doing so.
Legendary Actions (3/turn):
Brood: Heal 10 HP by dramatically looking out a window.
Glare: One enemy within 30 ft. must make a DC 16 Wisdom save or feel a bit judged, taking 1d8 psychic damage.
Summon Cloak Billow: Instantly billows cloak. No mechanical effect, but it’s terribly distracting.
Treasure Tally:
(assuming you actually survive this melodramatic nonsense)
1x Cloak of Overblown Entrances (advantage on Persuasion checks only when shouting dramatically)
1x Goblet of Eternal Whining (provides endless cheap wine, tasting faintly of regret)
300 gp (hidden in a chest shaped like Strahd’s head)
1x Invitation to His Next Party (expires immediately upon receipt)
Narrator's Note:
Remember: if you lose, you don't die. You simply join Strahd’s entourage of unpaid interns. Uniforms provided. Health insurance not included.
Follow-Up Encounter: "Strahd’s Truly Terrible Tribute"
(for characters who survived the first embarrassment)
After your frankly miraculous survival, Strahd reappears in your camp one misty evening, looking uncharacteristically sheepish. His cloak only half-billows. Something is clutched in his pale, over-manicured hands.
It’s parchment. Lots of it. Far too much parchment.
He clears his throat with all the charm of a dying goat.
"I... I have written you a poem," he intones, in a voice so dripping with angst it might stain the ground.
You have no choice. You must listen.
Strahd’s Tragic Tribute (actual reading event)
All party members must make a DC 16 Constitution saving throw.
On a fail: You suffer 1d4 psychic damage from second-hand embarrassment and lose 1d6 minutes due to uncontrollable, pitying laughter. On a success: You endure the poem, but must still pretend it was "very touching" to avoid angering him. (DC 15 Deception check.)
Sample of Strahd's Poetry (abridged):
"Oh, traveller fair, your blood smells divine,
Yet alas, my cold heart can only pine.
Your sword, your shield, your sweaty brow,
I wish to woo you, but I don’t know how..."
(There’s an entire stanza comparing you to a "glorious cheese wheel of destiny," but we'll skip that for everyone’s dignity.)
Special Abilities This Encounter:
Cringe Aura: All creatures within 30 feet must succeed on a DC 15 Charisma saving throw or have disadvantage on their next attack roll due to "emotional whiplash."
Sobbing Break: If Strahd rolls a natural 1 on any action, he sits down and weeps for 1d4 rounds, utterly useless.
Treasure Tally for Surviving Without Laughing Out Loud:
1x Brooch of Extreme Pity (+1 to Persuasion checks when comforting narcissists)
50 gp, tucked into a dramatically folded napkin
1x Incomplete Volume I: Strahd’s Collected Love Poems (burns itself if opened)
Narrator’s Note:
At least he didn’t try interpretive dance. Yet.
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