"Tim the Basilisk and the Ghouls Who Couldn’t"
by Reverend Dungeon MasterA touching tale of undeath, regret, and a girl who thought ‘Infernal Sacrifice’ was a spa treatment.
SCENE: The Ghoul Army Rides Again
The fog hangs low. The trees whisper secrets to each other like jealous co-workers. Somewhere in the cursed woods of Barrowmoor, an unholy procession is underway.
Out front lumbers General Varnox, undead warlord, motivational screecher, and self-proclaimed “influencer of death.” His cape is made of funeral shrouds. His armour is mostly dramatic flair. And his steed? Tim. A basilisk with the soul of a depressed badger and the face of a lizard who’s just been told he’s not getting a spin-off. Tim’s eyes turn birds to bricks and dreams to dust. His favourite hobby? Ruining staircases by turning them into statues mid-climb.
Behind them trudges the 87th Hungry Legion, a ghoul army known for their discipline, cannibalistic work ethic, and inability to queue properly. Their war chant is mostly chewing noises.
And at the centre of it all, tied to a gothic altar made from cursed driftwood and unpaid student loans…
Enter: PRINCESS CRYSTALLYNNE VON TIKTOKIA. Wearing a sequinned gown, an infernal rune sash that says “Bride of Baalzebul”, and holding a spiked latte, Princess Crystallynne is not thrilled.
“Ugh, I literally cannot with this sacrificial lighting. Do you even summon demons with this kind of filter? Where’s my ring light? TIM, GET MY ANGLE.”
She’s being offered to one of the Nine Hells’ lesser demon lords, a dude named Skarn'thul the Wretched, who once got kicked out of a cult for being “too clingy.” Crystallynne thinks this is a themed wedding. She’s invited her followers. None have come. Mostly because they’re all skeletons now.
Just as General Varnox begins his sixth monologue on “ghoul synergy in today’s economy,” the adventurers arrive. Maybe they were hired to rescue the princess. Maybe they just heard someone mention “free wine.” Either way, they’re here, and Tim is not having it.
Varnox raises his arms. “Fools! You dare interrupt my dark ritual?! This influencer is about to become the mouthpiece of Hell itself!”
Crystallynne sighs loudly. “Can we hurry this up? I have a brunch sacrifice at 10 and Beelzebub’s not known for patience.”
The ghouls begin to circle, drooling like undead golden retrievers left too long in the rain.
IF THE PARTY WINS (SOMEHOW):
Crystallynne insists they take a “post-battle victory selfie” before any healing happens.
Tim slinks off dramatically, but not before petrifying the barbarian’s boots out of spite.
General Varnox, defeated, vanishes in a puff of regret and glitter.
The altar explodes into a cursed TikTok trend. No one survives the dance challenge.
DM NOTES:
Crystallynne can be rescued, but she will never stop offering “brand synergy advice” to any cleric in the party.
Tim can be befriended if given emotional support, beef jerky, and reassurance that his name is powerful and majestic.
If your players try to join the ghoul army, make them fill out a W-9 in blood.
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