"The Bone Daddy’s Lament"
by Reverend Dungeon MasterCongratulations, adventurer! You’ve managed to stumble, bumble, or otherwise catastrophically misstep your way into the final resting place of Zarvok the Indigestible, a dracolich so old that even time itself took one look at him and decided, "Nah, not worth it." The good news? You found treasure. The bad news? You found him.
The cavern stretches before you like a tomb someone forgot to close. Jagged stalactites loom above, dripping what you really hope is water and not the dissolving remains of past visitors. A massive skeletal dragon lounges atop a hoard of gold, its empty sockets somehow still managing to glare.
“Ah,” Zarvok rasps, voice drier than a wizard’s retirement plan. “More meat. Come to plunder? Or perhaps you’re here to bore me with more tedious heroics?”
You notice the remains of past adventurers littered around the chamber, scorched, shattered, and in one particularly unfortunate case, melted. A cracked jawbone sits on a pile of treasure, possibly the last guy who thought he could bargain. The air smells of ozone and regret.
Zarvok the Indigestible (Dracolich, BECMI stats)
Armor Class: -2 (he is literally bones; what did you expect?)
Hit Dice: 21**+6** (because a regular dragon wasn’t bad enough)
Move: 90’ (30’) Flying 240’ (80’)
Attacks: 3 (Bite/Claw/Claw) or Breath Weapon
Damage: 3d6/2d6/2d6 or 10d6 (Lightning Breath)
Special Abilities:
Undead Resistances: Immune to sleep, charm, hold, and generally any spell that relies on a creature having a soul.
Breath Weapon: A 10d6 lightning bolt that makes wizards cry.
Fear Aura: Save vs. Spells or spend the next 1d4 rounds reconsidering your life choices.
Regeneration: He reforms in 1d10 days unless you destroy his phylactery. Which is hidden. Somewhere. Probably in a place you really don’t want to go.
Zarvok doesn’t waste time with pleasantries. His lightning breath streaks across the chamber, instantly reducing any metal-clad hero to a crispy reminder of mortality. If you survive, he follows up with a casual backhand, which in this case is a bony wing the size of a house.
“Oh, still alive? How adorable.”
Should you somehow get past his claws, fangs, and crippling existential dread, you still need to deal with his fear aura, which is essentially the sudden realization that you are deeply out of your league.
Should the fight start going against him (which it won’t), he might humor you with a cryptic riddle about his phylactery:
“Oh no, you’re totally winning. Look at you. So heroic. So determined. Almost as if you don’t know where my soul is.”
If you fail to kill him properly, expect to hear his smug voice 1d10 days later, possibly in your dreams, taunting you for eternity.
Treasure and XP:
Gold Hoard: 25,000 GP
Magic Items:
Ring of Fire Resistance (because irony)
Wand of Lightning Bolts (gee, wonder where that came from)
Potion of Extra Healing (too little, too late)
Ancient Dragonbone Longsword (+2, but cursed with mild condescension)
XP Award:
Defeating Zarvok in battle: 12,500 XP
Permanently destroying his phylactery: 25,000 XP
Dying in the attempt: 0 XP, but you do get the esteemed title of “Zarvok’s Newest Decoration.”
If you somehow win, congratulations! You have way too much confidence and probably a cleric who did most of the work. If you fail? Well, at least you’re in good company. Zarvok’s hoard has plenty of skeletons who made the same mistake.
Art: Dracolich by Kanizo on DeviantArt
