“The Best Stew in the Swamp”
by Reverend Dungeon MasterYou knew coming to the Murkmire Bog was a bad idea, but gold sings a siren song, and here you are, knee-deep in mud, swatting mosquitoes the size of pigeons, and inhaling an aroma that can only be described as “fermented regret.” The local villagers, a charming bunch of toothless optimists, whispered warnings about Granny Morvax, the swamp hag. “She’s got the best stew in the bog,” one old timer cackled. “And she makes it fresh!”
Which, of course, meant someone formerly living had to be on the menu.
So now, you and your ragtag band of would-be heroes (read: professional victims) stand before her hovel, a delightful architectural abomination crafted from rotting wood, bones, and the shattered dreams of previous adventurers. Smoke curls from the chimney. The scent? Savory. Meaty. Suspiciously humanoid.
The door creaks open before you can knock. A hunched figure stands in the gloom, her eyes gleaming like a cat’s in the dark. Her skin is a patchwork of warts, wrinkles, and what you’re pretty sure is actual moss.
“Well now,” she rasps, her voice like a saw on wet wood. “Didn’t expect company! Come in, dearies, I’ve got just the thing for travelers like you…”
The Setup
Granny Morvax (Chaotic Hag, Five-Time “Worst Neighbor” Award Winner)
Armor Class: -2 (Good luck landing a hit, champ.)
Hit Dice: 9** (45 HP, because fairness is for paladins.)
Move: 90’ (30’) (Surprisingly spry for a swamp-dwelling cryptid.)
Attacks: 1 claw or spell (Variety is the spice of life, and death.)
Damage: 1d8 or special (Special means bad for you.)
No. Appearing: 1 (because one is already too many.)
Save As: Magic-User 9 (Like she’s ever needed to roll.)
Morale: 10 (She’s not scared of you, but you should be scared of her.)
Treasure Type: E (That’s “E” for “Expensive but probably cursed.”)
Alignment: Chaotic (The fun kind of chaos. For her, not you.)
THAC0: 12 (Hope you’re not relying on that rusty longsword.)
Special Abilities:
Spellcasting (9th-Level Magic-User): She’s got Hold Person, Darkness, Phantasmal Force, and Cause Fear on speed-dial. She enjoys using them creatively, like making you believe your armor is full of spiders.
Illusionary Duplicates (1/day): She can copy herself like a particularly awful magic trick, making you waste attacks while she sharpens her claws.
Sentient Murder Rug: Her hut is decorated with living home décor. The rug will try to eat you. No, you can’t reason with it.
Description:
Granny Morvax is what happens when bad hygiene and pure malice become sentient. She’s got skin like tree bark, teeth that belong in a sawmill, and a smell that suggests she bathes exclusively in regret. She’d love to have you for dinner. For reals.
She invites you in with an award-winning smile (if awards were given for “Most Likely to Eat You”), gesturing to a bubbling cauldron. The stew looks rich. The bones floating in it? Not so reassuring.
You have options here:
Sit down like polite guests. Maybe she’s just a misunderstood old woman who happens to season her stew with femurs.
Start swinging weapons. Could be cathartic, though probably bad for your lifespan.
Try to con her. Maybe she needs fresh meat for her stew, and maybe you know a few people who “totally wronged you.”
Run. Classic move, but let’s be honest, you’re in a swamp, she’s lived here for centuries, and you probably have the cardio of a dwarf in full plate.
The Fight
If violence breaks out (and let’s face it, it probably will), Granny Morvax cackles and casts Hold Person on the party’s strongest fighter, because she enjoys irony. Then she summons three swamp ghouls (HD 2, AC 6, HP 10 each, paralyzing touch) from the muck outside.
Granny isn’t here for an honorable duel, she’s here to add you to the soup. She fights dirty:
Illusionary duplicates to mess with your aim
Darkness spells so you trip over her furniture
A screaming, sentient rug that attempts to strangle the nearest fool
If reduced to 15 HP or fewer, she vanishes in a cloud of smoke and retreats to fight another day (because hags are survivors, unlike you). If you actually manage to kill her, congrats! You’ve just ruined a centuries-old culinary institution.
Loot & XP
If you search her hovel, you find:
A gold-plated ladle (250 GP, but slightly cursed; food always tastes burnt)
A locked chest containing 600 GP and a Potion of Polymorph (one use, may cause existential crisis)
Her spellbook (worth 1,000 GP to a wizard or someone with poor impulse control)
XP Breakdown:
Defeating Granny Morvax: 2,300 XP
Swamp Ghouls (3): 75 XP each
Finding and looting her chest: 1,000 XP split
Total possible XP haul: 3,525 XP, plus trauma.
Now, do you take the stew with you? That’s the real question.
Art: Swamp Hag 2 by paranormallily32 on DeviantArt
