The Beholder’s Rant
by Reverend Dungeon MasterThe Setup
You descend into the damp, cavernous underbelly of whatever dungeon, ruin, or subterranean money pit you’ve decided to plunder. The walls drip with the accumulated despair of adventurers who thought they were smarter than an inanimate pit trap. The air hums with an unsettling energy, like a bad decision waiting to happen.
Then, with the grace of a tax auditor, a floating sphere of nightmare emerges from the shadows. Ten eye stalks twitch like caffeinated spiders, its central eye glares with cosmic disdain, and a massive, toothy maw stretches wide in what you can only assume is either an attempt at communication or the world’s worst dental advertisement.
The Beholder: An Existential Crisis With Eyebeams
Meet Xar’voth the Omniscient, or so it claims. It floats above you, pulsing with the kind of paranoid energy usually reserved for conspiracy theorists and wizards who don’t read the fine print on their own spells.
“You dare enter my domain? My realm of intellectual superiority? My… really damp cave?” Xar’voth’s voice drips with self-importance, as if it just wrote a 300-page dissertation on why it’s smarter than you. Its eye stalks twitch erratically, one of them already glowing ominously.
Roll Initiative, or Just Accept Your Fate
Beholders don’t fight fair. They don’t negotiate. And they definitely don’t tolerate your bard’s half-baked attempt at diplomacy.
Xar’voth the Omniscient (Beholder)
AC: 18 (Natural Armor)
HP: 180 (19d10 + 76)
Speed: 0 ft., fly 20 ft. (hover)
STR: 10, DEX: 14, CON: 18, INT: 17, WIS: 15, CHA: 17
Legendary Resistance (3/Day). Because rolling dice is for peasants.
Anti-Magic Cone. The Beholder’s central eye shuts down your wizard’s fireball dreams faster than a DM saying, “Actually, rules as written…”
Eye Rays (Recharge 5-6). Each round, Xar’voth fires three randomly determined eye beams. That’s right, randomly. Nothing like RNG dictating your imminent demise.
Charm Ray. Fail the DC 16 Wisdom save? You suddenly believe Xar’voth is your best friend, and you would never stab your best friend.
Paralysis Ray. DC 16 Con save or you experience a brief yet educational moment as a statue.
Fear Ray. DC 16 Wisdom save or flee screaming, making you a liability to the team.
Slowing Ray. DC 16 Dex save. If you fail, you move like a bard’s Wi-Fi connection in a crowded tavern.
Enervation Ray. DC 16 Con save, take 8d8 necrotic damage, and reflect on your life choices.I say that a lot, but it's always relevant.
Telekinetic Ray. DC 16 Strength save or get yeeted 30 feet in a direction Xar’voth finds amusing.
Sleep Ray. DC 16 Wisdom save or take an unexpected nap. Your rogue will loot your pockets in the meantime.
Petrification Ray. DC 16 Con save. Failure means you’re about to become a very expensive garden ornament.
Disintegration Ray. DC 16 Dex save. Fail, and you’re now an ash pile with some cool loot inside.
Death Ray. DC 16 Dex save or take 10d10 force damage. The DM is already rolling your next character.
Battle Tactics (Or Lack Thereof)
Xar’voth isn’t just a monster, it’s a deeply paranoid, floating murder-ball with an ego problem. It doesn’t fight you because it wants to. It fights you because it assumes you’re here to steal its ideas, its intellect, and probably its rock collection.
First turn? Anti-Magic Cone ON. Your wizard is now just a man with bad fashion sense.
Mid-fight? Paranoia Mode Activated. Xar’voth assumes the cleric is plotting something and focuses all rays on them.
If reduced to half HP? “FOOLS!” It starts levitating higher, making melee attackers feel like chumps.
Last resort? Disintegration Ray to the most annoying party member. The rogue who’s been rolling nat 20s? Gone. The paladin who keeps “divinely smiting” everything? Bye.
The Aftermath
If you win (somehow), Xar’voth shrieks in horror, its floating form unraveling in a burst of psychic failure. Its final words?
“Noooooo! My genius! My brilliant strateg—” poof.
Loot & XP
10,000 XP (Because you earned this pain.)
Eye of Xar’voth. A squishy, slightly twitching orb. If boiled properly, it grants truesight for one hour. If eaten raw, make a DC 18 Con save or vomit for 1d4 hours.
Gold Hoard (4,500 GP). Mostly spent on self-portraits and conspiracy theories.
Tome of Paranoia. Reading this book grants Advantage on Insight checks against deception… but you also develop mild trust issues.
Congratulations, you just survived an argument with a floating, laser-shooting narcissist. Go get a drink. You earned it.
Art: Beholder by andrebritus on DeviantArt
