The Filthy Maw
by Reverend Dungeon Masterfor Levels 3-5
Welcome to The Filthy Maw, an underground hellhole that some drunk bard swears is "teeming with riches and absolutely not cursed at all." Your party of adventurous nitwits has been hired (tricked) by a shady noble to plunder the depths of this festering cave system and bring back "The Glorious Skull of Saint Garglebones." That name alone should tell you everything you need to know about how well this will go.
The Entrance: Where Hope Comes to Die
The cave mouth gapes like the last toothless grin of a dying troll. The stench of mildew and regret wafts out, welcoming you like an old friend you owe money to. Carved above the entrance are the words: "Turn Back, Fools." The script looks suspiciously recent.
As you step inside, your boots squelch into something that should not squelch. Congratulations, you’ve discovered the first trap: the Sticky Carpet of Unholy Grime. Every step forward now comes with a delightful peeling noise. If the locals don’t hear you coming, they don’t deserve to kill you.
Room 1: The Hall of Half-Hearted Traps
A narrow hallway stretches ahead, lined with what appear to be pressure plates of mild inconvenience. Some drop pebbles, others unleash dust clouds, and one sprays a fine mist of water, which, if licked, tastes vaguely of desperation and vinegar. At the end of the hall, a wight sentry leans against the wall, clearly questioning his unlife choices. If you ask nicely, he’ll inform you that "Room 3 is the real problem, boss."
Wight Sentry (CR 3)
- AC: 14 (Natural Armor)
- HP: 45 (6d8+18)
- Speed: 30 ft.
- Multiattack: Makes two longsword or life drain attacks.
- Longsword: +5 to hit, 1d8+2 slashing damage (1d10+2 if two-handed).
- Life Drain: +5 to hit, 1d6+2 necrotic damage; target makes a DC 13 Constitution save or max HP is reduced by that amount.
Room 2: The Rat King's Underrated Opera House
Here lies a throne of bones, occupied by Plaguefang the Dread, a werewolf with glowing red eyes, attended by a chorus of dire rats gnawing ominously on whatever they can find. The problem? He won’t stop monologuing.
Plaguefang offers you a deal: find the wizard who cursed him (somewhere deeper in the dungeon) and end his suffering, and he'll give you a key to Room 4 and a jar of "Maybe Healing Salve."
Plaguefang the Dread (CR 4 - Werewolf Alpha)
- AC: 15 (Natural Armor)
- HP: 90 (12d8+36)
- Speed: 40 ft.
- Multiattack: Makes two attacks with his claws and one with his bite.
- Claws: +7 to hit, 2d6+4 slashing damage.
- Bite: +7 to hit, 2d8+4 piercing damage, DC 14 Constitution save vs. lycanthropy.
The jar smells like burnt hair.
Room 3: The Bone Zone
This chamber is filled with minotaur skeletons, all standing around like they’re waiting for the bus. They don’t attack immediately because they are engaged in an intense philosophical debate about whether they still have free will.
If you attack, they defend themselves with terrifying efficiency. If you participate in their debate, you might convince them to fight for you in the final encounter. Either way, one of them is wearing a crown that definitely does not belong to him. (It's Saint Garglebones' Skull. That was easy.)
Minotaur Skeletons (CR 4 each)
- AC: 12 (Natural Armor)
- HP: 67 (9d10+18)
- Speed: 40 ft.
- Greataxe: +6 to hit, 2d12+4 slashing damage.
- Charge: If it moves at least 10 ft. before attacking, it deals an extra 2d8 slashing damage.
Room 4: The Wizard, The Fool, and The Curse
Behind an unnecessarily large iron door, you find Malazar the Irritated, a necromancer who looks like he’s been living here far too long and resents every second of it. He’s still ranting about the werewolf he cursed centuries ago, complaining that nobody ever appreciates good necromantic craftsmanship anymore. He glares at you like you’re about to ask him for a favor, which, to be fair, you probably are. You can:
- Convince him to remove the curse (requires a successful persuasion check and possibly promising to leave him alone forever).
- Beat him senseless and loot his stuff, including a Spellbook of Poor Decision and a cloak made of rat pelts he insists is “vintage.”
Malazar the Irritated (CR 5 - Necromancer)
AC: 12
HP: 66 (12d8+12)
Speed: 30 ft.
Spells:
- Cantrips: Chill Touch, Mage Hand, Minor Illusion
- 1st Level: Magic Missile, Shield
- 2nd Level: Mirror Image, Misty Step
- 3rd Level: Counterspell, Animate Dead
- 4th Level: Blight, Greater Invisibility
Special: Arcane Misfire – Any spell he casts has a 10% chance of wildly malfunctioning (DM’s choice). Expect fireworks, screaming, or possibly an angry chicken.
The Exit: Profit and/or Death
Returning to Plaguefang, he sighs with relief as he finally crumbles into dust. The dire rats, freed from tyranny, celebrate by biting your ankles. The "Maybe Healing Salve" does heal, but it also induces hallucinations of dancing weasels for an hour.
If you survive and return the skull to your employer, you learn he was lying about the "great reward." Instead, he gives you a coupon for 10% off at Ye Olde Meat Pie Emporium.
Loot and XP Tally
- Saint Garglebones' Skull (Technically priceless, but nobody wants it)
- Maybe Healing Salve (+2d4 HP, plus weasel visions)
- Wizard's Spellbook (Contains "Summon Minor Annoyance" and "Prestidigitation")
- Rat Pelt Cloak (Smells bad, but +1 to intimidation vs. commoners)
- 10% Off Meat Pie Coupon (Redeemable only on weekdays)
XP Awards:
- Navigating the Sticky Carpet of Unholy Grime: 100 XP
- Surviving the Hall of Half-Hearted Traps: 150 XP
- Befriending or Defeating Plaguefang the Dread: 700 XP
- Philosophizing With or Slaying the Minotaur Skeletons: 1,000 XP
- Dealing With Malazar the Irritated: 1,500 XP
- Suffering the Betrayal of Your Employer: 50 XP (For realism.)
And there you have it. Another successful adventure in which you, yet again, fail to make any real money. See you next time in another miserable cave filled with existential horrors!
