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Heldannic bloopers

by Bruce Heard

Here are 15 fatally-flawed announcements found in otherwise well-intentioned notes posted on the doors of various Heldannic commanderies...

1) Don't let the plague kill you. Let the Heldannic Temple help.

2) Every New Moon - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our Temple and community.

4) At dawn tomorrow there will be ceremonies in the south and north ends of the Temple. New brothers will be anointed at both ends.

5) Wednesday, the Ladies Cavalry Sisterhood will meet. Rev. Mother Gertrud will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the chaplain.

6) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start (quietly), and the rest of the congregation will join in.

7) Next Soledain a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new temple tapestry. All those wishing to do something on the new tapestry will come forward and get a piece of parchment.

8) The ladies of the Temple have cast off clothing of every kind, and they may be seen in the Temple basement at dusk.

9) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is the Abyss?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

10) The AC 1014 Spring Council Retreat will be hell on Thaumont 20 and 21.

11) The Abbot has left to fight the war. Massages can be given to the Temple prior.

12) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

13) The Knights' Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

14) The Men-at-Arms prayer group will gather at dusk. Pork, sauerkraut, and boiled potatoes will be served for a nominal feel.

15) The Treasurer of the Temple unveiled the Order's new tithing campaign slogan last week: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

(adapted from *ACTUAL* bulletins in RW churches)