"Hiii-YAH! The Orc Raiders of Miss Piggy"
by Reverend Dungeon MasterBased on an idea by Phil Quinton
You knew this job was going to be weird when the innkeeper paid you in ham steaks instead of gold, but you were broke and desperate, so here you are, tracking a band of orc raiders to their hideout in the hills. Your client? A distraught farmer who claims the orcs made off with his best pigs, and, even worse, they now worship one as their leader. You were going to ask what that meant, but then he started sobbing into his cider, and you just nodded solemnly like the professional adventurers you pretend to be.
Deep in the hills, nestled between jagged geoglyphs that spell out “All Glory to the Queen”, you find the lair: a crude camp reeking of burnt meat and regret. Crude wooden stakes form a palisade, adorned with the skulls of those who probably also thought this was a good idea. Inside, a dozen orcs revel around a bonfire, drinking from barrels labeled "Dwarven Stout. Do Not Sell to Goblins."
And there, sitting atop a throne of stolen furniture, swathed in furs and pig-themed jewelry, is Miss Piggy.
The Orc Raiders
Orc (12)
AC 6, HD 1, HP 5 each, MV 120' (40')
Attacks: 1 (sword or axe)
Damage: 1d8
THAC0: 19
Morale: 8 (10 if Miss Piggy is still fighting)
The orcs, gloriously intoxicated, don't notice you immediately. They're too busy arguing over the finer points of pig-based theocracy. Unfortunately for you, one of them finally looks up mid-belch and points. "INTRUDERS!"
Roll for initiative.
Miss Piggy (Den Mother, Unholy Queen of Squealing Doom)
AC 2 (ornate pig jewelry is +3 magical armor), HD 3, HP 16
Attacks: 2 (karate chop, flying kick)
Damage: 1d6+2 / 1d6+3
THAC0: 13
Morale: 12 (She never runs, darling.)
Special:
Hiii-YAH! – Once per combat, Miss Piggy can unleash a mighty strike, dealing double damage and knocking the target back 10 feet.
Diva’s Wrath – If reduced to half HP, she lets out an ear-shattering scream (Save vs. Spells or be stunned for 1 round).
Miss Piggy does not deign to fight immediately. She lets her minions soften you up first, critiquing their technique with snide commentary. "Oh puh-lease, Grognak, swing like you mean it! Hiii-YAH!" If things look bad, she wades in personally, delivering karate chops that would make a monk cry.
If you win, congratulations. You just defeated the porcine nightmare that haunts these lands. The orcs, if routed, flee into the wilderness, probably to start a new cult involving a giant badger. If Miss Piggy falls, she does so dramatically, swearing vengeance and bemoaning how she deserved better backup dancers.
Treasure & XP
Gold stolen from raids: 800 gp
Pig-themed jewelry (magical, +3 AC): 300 gp
Dwarven Stout (still drinkable, probably worth 50 gp)
Fine silk robes (formerly owned by a kidnapped bard, 200 gp)
XP Awarded (Gold only): 1,350 XP
Enjoy explaining this one to the local magistrate, who happens to be a familiar looking frog.
Art: joehumphrey, Etsy
So, what's next? No idea is too crazy. No sandbox homebrew atrocity is too atrocious. Someone speak up. I can't hear you from all the way up here in my ivory tower of indignant defiance to “normal”. The next ENCOUNTER OF THE DAY will be based on YOUR cooky nonsense. You people are weird. Wha’cha got?
