The Saddest Bloodsucker in the World
by Reverend Dungeon MasterYou knew the job was a mistake when the innkeeper offered you free drinks just for considering it. That, and the way the other patrons wouldn’t make eye contact, staring deep into their flagons like they contained the secrets of the universe.
The gig? A “vampire” in the ruins of a watchtower outside town. Not just any vampire. No, this one was anemic. That’s right. A bloodsucking fiend with a tragic iron deficiency.
The watchtower is less a ruin and more of a sad rock pile with opinions. The door hangs off one hinge, swinging feebly in the breeze. Inside, the place smells like an abandoned wine cellar, mildew, and bad life choices. You step on something brittle, bones, probably, and then you hear it.
A voice, barely more threatening than a librarian’s sigh.
“Oh no. Not again.”
From the shadows shuffles a creature that might have once been terrifying, but now looks like it should be wrapped in a blanket with a cup of warm soup. He’s pale. Not the cool, brooding kind of pale, but the “hasn’t seen the sun in three centuries and has developed allergies to strong breezes” kind. His eyes glow faintly, but it’s more of a dull flicker than an ominous gleam.
“I guess we should fight or something,” he says, gesturing half-heartedly with long, bony fingers. “If that’s what you want.”
The Anemic Vampire has Armor Class 2, but honestly, that’s the only thing impressive about him. He has 5 Hit Dice, but with only 18 hit points, used to be 30, but, you know, anemia. He moves at 120’ (40’), but don’t expect any dramatic lunges. His attacks include a claw swipe (1d4 damage) or a bite (1d6), and if he actually hits, he drains a level. That’s assuming he can hit, with his underwhelming THAC0 of 15. The Anemic Vampire's Morale is 5, meaning he's already considering surrender before the fight even begins. If things go badly for him, which they will, he’s very likely to flee or just give up entirely.
He requires a +1 or better weapon to harm, and he’s immune to sleep, charm, and hold spells, but that’s more out of tradition than anything else.
Battle Highlights
If you actually hit him, he winces and complains about “his condition.”
On his first attack, he misses. Guaranteed. He doesn’t want to be here.
If he lands an attack, he immediately asks if you’d like to call it a draw.
At half health, he sighs dramatically and slumps onto a chair, rubbing his temples. “Ugh. This is exhausting.”
If you press the fight, he turns into a bat. A very underfed bat. He flaps against a window for a while before finding the exit.
If you let him go, he mumbles a weak “thanks” before disappearing into the night. If you kill him, he crumbles into dust with an unimpressive pfft sound. Either way, you get the treasure.
Loot (Surprisingly Decent!)
A Ring of Protection +1 (It was his great-grandmother’s. He wasn’t using it.)
500 GP in assorted coins (Because even terrible vampires hoard money.)
A bottle of suspiciously old red wine (Tastes like regret.)
XP Tally
Defeating the Anemic Vampire: 850 XP (For effort.)
Mercy Bonus: 100 XP (For not making this sadder than it already was.)
Loot XP: 500 XP
Final Thoughts
You did it. You fought a vampire with the approximate menace of a damp sponge. The town will probably celebrate you. But deep down, you know the truth. This wasn’t heroism. This was pity.
Art: A Starving Vampire - Irina French
