Spill the Wine, Take That Pearl
by Reverend Dungeon MasterIt’s a hot summer’s day, and you, overfed, long-haired, and gnomish, find yourself lured by the siren song of laziness. A big field of tall grass beckons, so you do what any rational adventurer does: lie down and dream of fame, fortune, and, inexplicably, a 1970s Hollywood acid trip.
The dream carries you to the Hall of the Mountain Kings, where an audience of every kind of person, long ones, short ones, brown ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones, gaze up at you in awe. You are their star, their chosen one. And then she arrives.
A lady with eyes like midnight and a voice like a tavern whisper. She leans in close and says something truly wild:
"Spill the wine, take that pearl."
Then flames roar at your back. Hallucinatory or prophetic? Too late to decide, because the mountain rumbles, and the Mountain King himself steps forward.
The Opponent: The Mountain King
(Chaotic 10 HD Humanoid, THAC0 10, AC 3, HP 50, MV 120’ (40’), Attacks: Fist or Magical Wine Goblet, Damage: 2d8 or Special, Morale: 12)
The Mountain King is the absolute picture of decadent royalty: golden robes, an impossibly large goblet, and a beard that might contain entire civilizations. His challenge is simple:
"You want the pearl? Spill the wine."
Before you can ask what that means, he takes a swig from the goblet and hurls it at you. The goblet doesn’t spill wine, it erupts wine, a wave of enchanted Merlot crashing over you. Save vs. Spells or get drunk off your (stunned for 1d4 rounds).
While still blinking away the effects of an Old World Cabernet, the audience gasps. Before you, on a pedestal, sits The Pearl, massive, glowing, and probably worth more than your last three bad life choices combined.
The problem? Three enchanted Bacchic Satyrs (4 HD, AC 5, THAC0 16, Attacks: Hooves 1d6+1, Pipes of Madness, Morale 10) are standing between you and payday.
Each round, a satyr can either:
1.Try to stomp you into a fine paste.
2.Play a janky jazz flute melody that forces a Save vs. Spells or make you dance uncontrollably for one round.
The Mountain King laughs, drinking more of his endless wine. The audience roars. Somewhere, the lady whispers:
"Spill the wine, take that pearl."
Resolutions:
Win the fight? The satyrs collapse in an exhausted heap, the Mountain King gives you a slow clap, and the pearl is yours. He vanishes in a puff of intoxicating smoke. You wake up in the field, the pearl in your hands. You’re now famous in three different realms.
Fail? The satyrs beat you into the dirt. You wake up in the field, bruised, hungover, and with only a half-empty bottle of questionable wine as consolation.
Treasure & XP:
The Pearl of Dionysus (10,000 gp, radiates strong magic, but no one knows what it actually does.)
Bottle of Mountain King’s Vintage (Grants +2 Charisma for an hour. Also forces you to make bad decisions.)
Satyr Pipes (Plays hypnotic tunes. Only works if you have at least a 13 in Charisma. Otherwise, it just sounds like dying ducks.)
Total XP: 2,750 (or 500 if you wake up in the field with a headache instead of a pearl.)
Next time, maybe don’t sleep in strange fields. Also, if a mysterious lady tells you to spill the wine, maybe ask why before diving into the deep end of supernatural nonsense.
Art: King portrait by ZsoltKosa on DeviantArt
